Mmmm....love that haggis! In our morning meeting, I mentioned that I'm doing an article about Robbie Burns Day and this guy in our office (you know the one, with the pretentiousness?) was all "Yeah, all Scottish cuisine is based on a dare." To which I wittily replied "Yeah, I watched 'So I Married an Axe Murderer' too." And then he said "Oh, no, that's something from years ago. When we used to say 'a six pack and a dare.'"
Wha? We? This guy is not Scottish. Maybe he was Scottish. Years ago. Like, when he was two? I mean, what is he now? 28? Maybe he was in Scotland at some point. Great. You know, they used to paint their faces blue and invented golf, that doesn't mean you have to claim to do the same thing, you ass.
That really makes me mad. Not that he claims to have done this thing.
You may have done it, but for fuck's sake, it's OKAY if you took the quote from a movie! I just caught you at it! It would be better if you admit it because then we might have something to talk about instead of saying "hey" every morning and not meaning it. We could've talked about other things involved with So I Married an Axe Murderer. We could have both thought it was a great flick (I do) before Mike Meyers got really hugely famous. We could have discovered a mutual love for Steven Wright (and if you don't love Steven Wright, you're dead to me). We could have talked about things!
But I just remembered that I hate this guy and don't actually want to talk to him ever. About anything. So it's fine that he has to say he got this line from "something we used to say" just so he can look s-m-r-t. We'll all know he's a loser.
Anyway, back to Haggis. Gross. My grandma used to make it for Christmas when I was a little girl and the smell of it cooking would make me gag and ask for candy instead. But the stuffing inside the Haggis, which is made from toasted oatmeal, spices and onions is really good. My dad says it's called Scurly. I don't know. I did a search for it on google. I may be spelling it wrong. Or maybe google isn't the amazing search engine it claims to be. Or maybe people would just rather forget all about haggis.
The guy they're getting to toast the haggis? Is named ... wait for it ... Scotty! HA! I asked the woman who organized the event if she had to advertise for a Scotty or if they he just volunteered. I think I offended her.
Tunes: Daybreaker by Beth Orton.
Text: White Teeth by Zadie Smith.
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