It's been over for a day, but oh, the pomp hasn't worn off in my mind. Nor has it worn off in my house. My cat has been re-enacting Hilary Swank's acceptance speech for the last 24 hours. I wasn't here, but when I got home, there was a crowd of people gathered around my window pointing and laughing and screeching "Your publicist is your best friend?!?"
So I know, we've all overindulged and we're kind of annoyed with ourselves because we swore we were not going to go back for seconds. But then, the dresses were so pretty and the men so handsome and come on! Chris Rock, man! Just when you thought Oscar coverage couldn't get any more in depth, here I am. Bringing you what the stars were actually thinking.
I know you probably don't believe me, but in University, I wrote horoscopes for the student newspaper. I was brilliant and 99.9999999999999% accurate. I wrote under the name Madame Mysteria. (At this point, I'm not actually joking.) As a residual talent, I can read celebrity minds. No. Really. I can. And who cares what the celebrities say? Wouldn't you rather know what they THINK?
Check it out.
Star Jones: Look! It's Johnny Depp!
Johnny Depp's brain: Oh shit. Don't make eye contact.
Star: JOHHHHNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE you! Oh, you ain't getting away from Star!
Johnny Depp's brain: Shitshitshitshit. I should have sent a native representative to speechify for me. I mean, fuck it, right? I'm the new Brando. Everybody thinks so.
Star: Look at you. So handsome!
Johnny: Hey.
Star: VANESSA WITH YOU! GIRL, you look MAHVALOUS!
Johnny's brain: Just...just stand here and look uncomfortable. Maybe she'll let you go.
Star: Oooooh! Vanessa! Say somethin' in French! Say it!!!
Vanessa's brain: Who is this harpy?
Vanessa: Uh, Bonjour mama!
Star: IS THAT IT?
Vanessa: Errrr...bonjour papa?
Johnny's brain: Oh God. Let it end. I shoulda got that hyperbaric chamber when I had a chance.
Star: OOOOOHHHHHH! I LOVE FRENCH!
Vanessa's brain: Johnny, zis woman, she eez total cow. I want to go home.
Johnny's brain: I know. Let's go find Prince. He hates this shit too.
***************
Robin Williams: OMIGOD! Cartoon characters are gay! I don't know! IMPRESSIONS! IMPRESSIONS! Now I'm Jack Nicholson, okayeeeeee? Whaddaya think about that, PAL!?
Robin Williams' brain: SHUT UUUUUUUUUPPPPP. Even I can't stand this!
***************
Prince: And the winner for best song is......
Prince's brain: Polar Express? Oh, girl. No. Just no. Fuck that noise. Prince is going to change history.
Prince: The one from The Motorcycle Diaries! YAAAAYYYYY!!!
Prince's brain: My work here is done. I'm 'onna go get high with Johnny Depp and that french chick. She hot.
***************
Usher: YEAH!
World: Ugh.
Usher's brain: Yeah. I know. I'm sorry. I swear, after this one, I'm just going to go into hibernation.
***************
Sean Penn: In actuality, Jude Law is a great actor.
Sean Penn's brain: Ah crap! I meant to say "I LOVE Chris Rock!"
Audience: ......
Crickets: Chirp. Chirp.
Sean Penn: *Cough*
Tumbleweeds: *Tumble tumble*
Sean Penn's brain: And thaaaaat's going to haunt me.
***************
Hilary Swank: Wow! I'm just a girl from a trailer park.
Hilary Swank's brain: Dude. That was dumb. Still, that's okay, that's okay. It's not too bad. Recovery mode.
Hilary Swank: Uh, uh, Chad! Chad! I learn from past mistakes! Want to thank Chad! My husband! Big supporter!
Hilary Swank's brain: Okay. Nice job. Keep it moving, quick, quick. Thank everybody. Thank Clint.
Hilary: Just want to thank my lawyers and my parents and my dog and the producers and the other actors and, uhhhh....
Hilary's brain: Music's starting!
Hilary: NAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW! YOU CAN'T DO THAAAAATTTT I HAVEN'T THANKED CLIIIINNNNNNTTTTT!
Hilary's brain: Heeeeere we go.
Hilary: WAAAAAIIIIIITTTT! WAAAAAAIIIITTTTTTTT!!!! I WANT TO THANK MY BEST FRIEND AND PUBLICIST!!!
Hilary's brain: You? Are dead to me. I mean, Jesus! Best friend? You met her like, once!
***************
Annette Benning: ..........
Annette Benning's brain: Whaaaaaaaat?
Annette Benning: ..........
Annette's brain: Okay. I can't even pretend to be surprised anymore. I knew it.
Annette Benning: ..........
Annette's brain: Note to self: Make great movie NEXT YEAR. Wait for her to do Catwoman 2. I mean, come on. She did the Karate Kid sequel. Surely she'll bomb again.
***************
Chris Rock: Sean Penn? My accountants would like a word with you.
Chris Rock's brain: That was lame. Thanks a LOT Bruce Villanch.
***************
Puff Daddy: Wow. So dis da Oscars.
P.Diddy's brain: Wow. So dis da Oscars.
Puff Daddy: Uh, Beyonce. Something. It's hip. I think.
P. Diddy's brain: Is Spike Lee wearing a FEZ? I gotta hook that brotha up with some threads.
***************
Spike Lee: Yo.
Spike Lee's brain: This hat is so cool. I am so cool. ....... SOMEBODY MENTION MY HAT! Man, I hope Mario Van Peebles wears his hat. Otherwise, this shit ain't going to work.
***************
Salma Hayek: Halloooooo America! Something Something Something.
America: Buh.
Salma's Brain: These breasts are fantastic!
Penelope Cruz: Uh, something technical. Awards. Yay!
Penelope's brain: WHY do they always make me present with her!?
Salma Hayek: Something technical.
Salma's Brain: Oh yeah. They all want me.
America's brain: Look at those breasteses!
Well, I don't think we could possibly end on a better note than Salma Hayek's breasts. Do yooooouuuu????
Tunes: Arcade Fire's Funeral
Tube: Conan O'Brian repeat.
Text: Native Tongue by Carl Hiaasen.
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