Why I Hate Celebrities: Part the sixth.

2005-06-07, 11:59 p.m.

The following is a list of people who could fall off the face of the earth without me caring AT. All.

Tom & Katie
Brad & Angelina
Renee & Kenny
Jack & Karen
Russell Crowe & Ron Howard (sorry Opie)
Brett Ratner

Let me get into it with some of the above folk.

TomKat, as they've been called. Or: Batman Vs. Tomkat as the headline I ran today read. I speak, of course, of Thomas Cruise Mapother IV and Katherine Noelle Holmes.

First of all, NOBODY believes this. Even your fan base of middle-aged housewives are like "Really? For real?" Tom, when my MOM doesn't believe you? You're in trouble. She still thinks Mel Gibson is a sex symbol. I mean, even the mouldering corpse of L. Ron Hubbard is like: "Aaaaaas if!"

Second: Kudos, Katie. Kudos. I mean, who were you before you were Tom's girlfriend? "The girl from Dawson's Creek. The little, cute one, right?" Yeah. To quote the hilarious Young Mr. Grace from a post-Fametracker celebrity snark message board: "I notice you still don't have a penis! Not that I mind! Because I'm straight! Not a big fan of the penii! Ha ha! Yup. So . . . still no penis. Excellent. EX. CELL. ENT. Ha ha ha ha . . . may I call you Joey?"
*Snrk!*
Now we find out if you, Katie Holmes, are really that good of an actress. Can you fake interest in Tom Cruise and Scientology long enough for this debacle to boost your career, but reveal that you were only joking in time to have the rest of us giggling like "Ha-ha-ha! Good one! Good one! You almost had us going there!" Before you get sucked into the cult of Scientology and become Mimi Rogers AKA Miriam Spickler. Scaaaary!

Aaaaanyway. Now for some real quotes from Tom Cruise. These are actual quotes from an Australian 60 minutes interview with Peter Overton asking Tom Cruise about his relationship with Nicole Kidman.

Particularly distressing is this part:
PETER OVERTON: And do you have a relationship where you talk � a parenting relationship � and talk professionally about each other's...
TOM CRUISE: Listen, here's the thing, Peter. You're stepping over a line now. You're stepping over a line, you know you are.
PETER OVERTON: I suppose they're questions that people want to know.
TOM CRUISE: Peter, you want to know. Take responsibility for what you want to know. Don't say what other people... This is a conversation that I'm having with you right now. So I'm just telling you right now, okay, just put your manners back in.

Put your manners back in??? What. The. Fuck. Is he your two year old CHILD, Tom? No. He's a civilized foreign dude who's asking you safe, relatively simple questions relevent to his audience.

So, uh, quit acting like he's asking you to put YOUR manners back. Oh yeah. Put 'em back. Put them back like that, uh. Yeah. Oooh. Righ there. Now pull your manners out. Now put them back. Hard. Harder. I SAID HARDER, you BITCH! PUT THOSE MANNERS BACK! OH! OH! TOM! YES! TOM! HARDER! PUT YOUR COCK IN MY ASS HARDER! Uhhh... manners. Put your MANNERS back. And uh, certainly not back in ANYONE'S ass. Because we wouldn't ask you to put your cock-er, manners anywhere. No. Because we RESPECT THE COCK!

*****

Ahem. Tom and Katie are not the only publicity whoring, desperate for everybody to notice them as long as they don't, you know, look too close, celebs who are backtracking on their earlier desire to have ALL OF THE FAME EVER INVENTED. See the following:

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are now refusing to answer questions about their relationship.

Also from that tape: in a taped interview, a journalist waved a copy of Us Weekly with a picture of Jolie, Pitt and Maddox on the cover in front of her and said "This is insane." And then Angelina Jolie, former wife of Billy Bob Thornton and wearer of blood necklaces and, as such, a motherfucking EXPERT on insanity, goes on the offensive: "You bought it, you're holding it... The fact is it's part of your program. It's something that we're talking about still."

YEAH! Fucking HELL YEAH we're talking about it STILL, bitches! You cannot waltz around for years and years acting crazy with Billy Bob, talking about the intimate details of your crazy fucking life like it's common knowledge and kissing your brother in public, then retract all that and ask nicely for your privacy back. Especially when we all know that when you say "No" you're saying it in like, a Mango from Saturday Night Live kind of way. That is: "No. And by no, I mean yes."

It's not like you were Princess Diana who married a dude with big ears and, though she knew what she was getting into, marrying a member of the royal family, was still kind of naive. You're an experienced player at the Black Jack table of Celebrity Life. You can't ask the House to hit and take it back two seconds later. There's no sticking once you've asked for the hit! And you did, you know. Ask for the hit. You're cavorting with Brad Pitt, woman! Brad "Hot Stuff" Pitt. Brad "Ask me about my recent divorce" Pitt. Brad "It don't matter what woman I'm linked to -- I'm the celebrity power couple BY MYSELF" Pitt. Brad. Pitt. And it's not like you're Michael "Wheee!" Jackson and we're asking you if Brad Pitt ever touched you inappropriately or gave you alcohol to seduce you. Because we all know he didn't have to give you anything. Because he's Brad Pitt. Something tells me we won't be sitting in a courtroom with him talking about whether or not to submit pictures of his penis into evidence.

I mean, you don't want to answer a question about your sham-movie promotional relationship, or your previous sham marriage you entered into to keep from looking like a tiny, closeted, cult-worshipping freak? Then you let those reporters ask those questions and you politely decline to answer them. Because let's face it, if you're a celebrity journalist and you're sitting in the same room with Tom Cruise or Angelina Jolie, you're probably a lovely person, but you've also probably kissed a lot of ass to get where you've got. No matter WHAT these celebrities do, you're going to tow the line and play nice, even when you're asking questions about their extremely public relationships that they manifested to create publicity for their upcoming movies. So, celebs, suck it up! We live in the age of the Internet and you can't hide from the criticism. Didn't you hear, Angelina? Tom? Journalists soon won't matter. Cause we'll have bloggers. And bloggers don't have to pretend to be nice. We'll sniff your secrets out and then laugh at you for months and months and months. And even if we don't sniff out your secrets we'll say we have and laugh at you anyway!

*****

Dear Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney,
We're disappointed in you both. We expected better. I mean, at least ONE of you could pretend to be coming out of a previously weird relationship with a freaky, pale musician or, like, pretend you're a gay, gay cowboy desperate to prove he's straight as kittens. Oh. Wait...

*****

Ohhhhh, Jack & Karen! You two are sooooo funny on Will & Grace! I LOVE that show! Especially the parts where you two act gay and slutty and drunk and spoiled! Seriously. I do. Karen, did you ever know that you're my hero? Someday, I'll marry for money and have a martini glass surgically grafted to my hand. I don't actually LIKE martinis, but I feel cofident I'll be able to develop a taste for dry vermouth and olives. And Jack, you are a role model to queer boys everywh-- wha? Jack White? And Karen who? Elson? And she is? I mean, he's the creepy former beau of gay cowboy wedder up above. The White Stripe. The Artiste. She's... a model? A model. The one who looks kind of like Marilyn Manson? Her? Huh. Well, congratulations on your EXTREMELY well-timed marriage. I'm not gonna get you anything though. I'm totally out of gift ideas, okay?

*****

Russell Crowe. Hits hotel employee in the face with phone early, early, early Monday morning. Allegedly. You don't think he got a phone call about the box office receipts and threw the phone at the first person he saw because his big, tough Oscar-candidate movie got beat out by:
a)Chris Rock and Adam Sandler making "take it up the ass" prison jokes in The Longest Yard.
b)Chris Rock and Ben Stiller and David Schwimmer (Yep! Him! From Friends! Yeah, the one who was a paleontologist.) making poo in the zoo jokes in Madagascar.
c)Some stupid space alien saga.
d)ALL OF THE ABOVE. "What? Talking animals beat me? Talking fucking animals? And who? Adam.... Sandler? Who the FUCK is that? Does this Adam Sandler have a bloody Oscar? I don't fucking think so! Grrr! I want to PUNCH Adam Sandler! AND Lord Vader. If I was in Sith, I would've beat the sith out of that sithy boy. What the fuck kinda name is Anakin?" And then, phone throwing ensued.

*****

Memo to Brett Ratner: Congrats on apparently becoming the next director of X-Men 3. Now try not to ruin the FUCK out it, huh? I mean, I know you haven't actually done any WORK on it yet, but let's all just assume that it will suck so much sweaty hind tit. Shall we? Excellent.

*****

In conclusion: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! God. I mean, seriously! Fucking celebrities.

*****

Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson. I'm kinda glad I didn't pick Anne Bancroft for the office celebrity death pool. It makes it that much harder to collect on celebrities you actually LIKE.

6 have spoken





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