And Katie! I'm so very happy for you! Your career is bound to go forth and multiply. Soon, I'm sure there will be the pitter-patter of little Cruise-lets. And you'll be in all the big movies. With John Travolta and your hubby and Kelly Preston and Dharma and Leah Remini and uh, that one guy from That 70s Show and that girl from JAG. Congrats! I guess. On this and becoming a Scientologist! Good for you! I knew you'd want a place to throw away all the extra money you're going to be making now that you're SUPER famous and not just a leeeetle bit famous. Good for you, sweetie!
I'm just kidding. I hate them both of course. They make me throw up a little bit in my mouth every time I have to look at them. And I have to look at them a lot.
It's soooo pathetic. From both ends. The Tom trying to convince people that he's a)not gay, b)not crazy, and c)not a cult member. And from the Katie Holmes end. The "Please Lord, don't let the Scientologists brainwash me too too much because I really want to be super-famous and this will be the only way for me now that I'm no longer on TV and really, this Batman part was fun and all, but I think I got it by accident because Kate Bosworth turned it down, which, come to think of it, is how I got Cruise. So, to recap, Lord, I want fame and I'll do anything to get it. Even enter into a sham marriage with a closeted Hollywood super-star cult-member. Oh, and if we could accomplish all of this in a little over two months, that'd be great. Cause I want to be divorced in time for my 27th birthday." end of things.
The blogosphere (and I hate that term sooo much, so thanks Tom, for making me use it) will be awash in "Tom Cruise Vs. Michael Jackson" for weeks. I bet if you had, like, a way of tracking the Internet's preoccupations, with like, a bar chart or whatever, they would be neck and neck and pretty much every utterance would be "I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!" And it wouldn't matter which one you'd be talking about! That's the brilliance of it all! Fametracker, by the way, has a lovely little article in which Wing Chun ponders the question on my mind: How long can this possibly go on before somebody just clocks Tom Cruise?
So I guess I won't be seeing either Batman Begins or War of the Worlds. Sorry Christian Bale. I know you prettied yourself up for me specifically, but I just can't stomach the idea that any of my money will find its way into the hands of a scientologist. Plus, Dakota Fanning. When the only person you can get to endorse your creepy, fucked up publicity stunt/relationship is your creepy, ten-year-old co-star with fucked-up teeth (seriously you guys, what is that on her teeth? Thetans?) well... that doesn't say much for your publisister's skills, does it?
So that also means I won't be able to watch this movie either. Thanks a lot, Katie, you dumb bitch!
I sincerely hope that both of you are very happy and that someday soon, the sceintologists have you both killed because, well, they wanted attention, but not the eye-rolling, "Scientology? Oh really, Tom! Do tell!" part currently being visited on them by the media. Or the Chaos Agents as L. Ron. Hubbard would call us. Go team media! We don't mean to be cynical bastards, but every once in awhile, something like this comes along and proves us right.
Tube: The first and second seasons of Newsradio and the first season of The Office. So good! So funny!
Tunes: Divine Brown Divine Brown Old Skool Love and Twist My Hair are particularly good tracks.
Text: Operation Clambake C'mon everybody! Let's learn about Scientology together! Facinating information on how Scientology manipulates people. If you don't know anything about scientology, start here. The amount of info is staggaring. But there are clams, aliens, and lots of other fun, creepy stuff.
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