Yipee Kiyay, motherfucker!

2005-07-16, 12:51 p.m.

Hey dudes. Wow. Looks like I haven't updated this spot in a long while. I could give you the ol' "work has been insane" song and dance, but... well, who am I kidding? Work has been insane. This time, with 100% more cowboy hats.

It's Stampede time. Which means this place gets insane with drunk jackasses yelling "Yeehaaaaaawww!!!" at all hours of the morning noon and nighty-night-night.

It's like Mardi Gras for cowboys. With less breasts. Notice I didn't say breast free. There are some, just not as much as Mardi Gras.

Anyhooo. The Stampede goes on for 10 days. There are hundreds of pancake breakfasts, bar-b-q's, and opportunities to drink yourself into a pancake/barb-b-q barf-up stupor.

Ever since I can remember, my family would come to Stampede when I was a kid. I remember the rides and the food more than the broncs and bulls, but it was fun, nonetheless. Now that I live in Calgary, all I can think is "WHY do so many people bring their rotten little ride-going, food-eating brats here!?"

If I seem a little frayed, I should remind you that it's the ninth day of a ten day party and the city smells like horse shit and vomit. A bum begging on every streetcorner, a cowboy puking in every alley! That should be the Stampede's motto.

At first, you get into the spirit of it. Everybody dresses western during Stampede. But there are different levels of dressing western. There's the sophisticated "investment banker" western look which screams "I went down to Lammles during my break at work and purchased this pristine western shirt and black cowboy hat to wear to the office. But I draw the line at cowboy boots and bolo ties." There's the secret militant cowboy who wishes he could dress this way every day of the year. He LIVES for cowboy boots and bolo ties. He's the one with brand new super-tighty wranglers with a nicely pressed western shirt -- one of eight he already owns. There's also the FratCowboy who wears hawaiian shirts over a wifebeater and ratty jeans with sandals and a straw cowboy hat with a beer logo on it. He can be found in the beer gardens at all times. Then there's the Hipster cowgirl/boy. "Actually, I love my soft, broken in Bar-M ranch shirt that I found at Value Village for $2. I have also purchased an ironic t-shirt for the occaision." Said t-shirt may say: "Whose bed have your boots (picture of boots) been under, Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy, Get Bucked or Have You Hugged Your Cowgirl Today?" I may or may not own three of the above t-shirts. I may or may not love wearing my cowboy hat because I can then wear my hair in pig-tails, which I can't get away with at work normally because I can't part my hair properly.

So yeah. I admit to being a little caught up in the spirit. We've had some great artists come through too. Most of whom I've missed completely because of work. I did make a trip down to the grounds to see k-os, who is an award-winning Canadian rapper, for those of you who don't know. He was performing on the Coke Stage which is where free concerts happen. It was full of insane people pushing and shoving their way to nowhere. It was like a long buffet line with no food. And more pot. They should set up a steam table next year. Mmmm... The Tragically Hip and sweet & sour boneless pork....

Speaking of food: Beef on a bun is disgusting, but somehow not during Stampede. As far as fair foods go, I love Those Little Donuts, cotton candy, and deep fried macaroni and cheese. Oh! And pep'n'ched. Pep'n'ched is, next to saltwater taffy, the best Stampede food you could ever hope to eat. It's a hunk of old cheddar cheese, a big, fat dill pickle, and a sausage. On a skewer. It's tangy and salty and probably contains my lifetime required amount of sodium, but mmmmmboy! I can't stop eating them. They'll have to roll me into work next week.

Geez. Hockey is back, the border is open to cattle, and Stampede is winding up. Calgary is full of drunken happy campers right now. Well, count me in! I'm not afraid to admit it! I know the words to lots of Shania Twain songs! I love Big & Rich. I will gladly shoot some Patron tequila with you, strange boy in a cowboy hat! I would LOVE to two-step with you, red-headed stranger! Why, yes, drunken fratboy, that IS Diamond David Lee Roth peforming at the Cowboys tent. And who should mosey in after him but the Gambler himself! Kenny Rogers! Yessir, Stampede is on and there's nothing to do but swallow your bile towards tourists, texans, and the inherent lack of parking spots and just go with it. If you can't quite make yourself love it, just close your eyes and imagine you're in a bad episode of Deadwood. Motherfuckers. That's what I'm doing right now, anyway.

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I've avoided the festivities a little bit in the last two days because I've been helping my good friend Gripper prepare the basement suite of her house for a new tenant. We started by scrubbing old paint off walls. It's taken us almost a week. Tonight, while I go in to work, they're going to be priming the walls. Tomorrow and possibly Monday, we'll be painting, then the carpets will be cleaned and somebody can enjoy the fruits of our labour. Then I can come home and clean my house, which is seriously kind of gross right now.

I don't care. I have Stampede as an excuse. For EVERYTHING. I haven't done the dishes in ten days? It's Stampede! I got no clean clothes? Stampede! The cat's litter box needs to be emptied you say? Can't hear you! Sorry! Stampede! I smell? Well, I haven't had time to shower! I mean, come ON! It's STAMPEDE! I kid, I kid. I showered. Two days ago.... right before I did a little mutton busting!

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I was going to go see Charlie and the Chocolate factory and get the Harry Potter book and devour it, but between the Stampede and the painting, I don't see how I'll fit it in. It sucks to be an adult, to paraphrase my friend pasunpipe. Oh, who am I kidding? I will still totally find time to do both. Cuz I'm JK Rowling and Tim Burton's bitch like that. As a side note, how awesome would it be if Tim Burton directed a Harry Potter movie? Answer: TOTALLY AWESOME.

I'll leave you with that mind blowing thought and another plaintive wail describing why I would rather be at home than at work today. I'd like to stay sitting right here, with a big thermos of black, black coffee, reading TKO: The True Story of TomKat, which begins thusly: He had been coughing up blood in the alley behind the Studio City Walmart when it occurred to him that his life might be going in the wrong direction...

Sounds awesome, right? That's because it is. Check it out.

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