Yeah, it's been done, but you know what? I'm sick. Deal with it.

2005-07-27, 1:21 a.m.

Dear Samantha Bee,

Fru Crew? HA! Samantha Bee, will you marry me? Or at least, let me stalk you and take over your life a la Single White Female? Yeah, the marrying thing is much easier. Go with that one. You could move back to Canada and we could totally get married here!

Love, your stalker-in-training,

Zooby.

Dear INXS,

Though I am a fan of yours, and also, a huge fan of summertime reality television, I cannot help but feel this Rock Star debacle is a big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, mistake. Huge. You see, (and I have already mentioned, I'm a fan) you were only a marginally good band. I mean, I THINK I have an album tucked away somewhere, but you know. I don't own your entire catalogue. Nor did I tack up your posters on my wall. Because, well, how to put this? Michael Hutchence? He WAS your band. The reason people tuned in. And now? He dead. So, you know, you should either get a new lead singer quietly and professionally, or... not. And by not I mean, DON'T GO ON. CEASE TO MAKE ALBUMS. DIS-BAND. What you PROBABLY shouldn't do is hold a big ol' competition on teevee to decide who should replace him. Ohhh. Too late. Okay. Alright. Well, you know what? If you MUST, then you could at least pick that crazy Australian dude. He's hot, funny, and AWESOME. His Lola was really good. Did I mention he was hot? Oh, and I believe his name is Mig. Awesome? Yes.

Zoob

Dear Jon Stewart,

Good work. Good work, sir. Let me just say, I enjoy your show. And since, you know, you changed the whole set up, I have noticed (don't think I haven't!) that you've been going MUCH harder on your straight-laced guests such as Rich Santorum and that guy who wrote that book about people who are ruining America. The "douche" guests if you will. And it's AWESOME. However, your celebrity guests, they're going to be a little tougher. It'll be hard, at first, to find the right balance for your celebrity guests. Or maybe Diane Lane just saw your new hard-ass interviewing techniques and was nervous that you'd ask her if John Cusack is as big of a jerk as we hear he is.

Anyway, that's about it. We're not complaining about the set change though. We kinda like it. It makes the place look, what's the word? Respectable!

Continued success,

your fans

P.S. If you could somehow introduce me to Samantha Bee, that'd be really super! Thanks!

Dear John Cusack,

Where to begin? First, I have heard the rumours about you poo-ing your pants on the set of The Thin Red Line. I do not know if these rumours are true, but if they are? Ew. Second, you're not aging well. I'm very glad you haven't had things "done" to look younger or better. You're who you are and that's admirable. On the OTHER hand... wow. You have seriously fallen far from even, like, Grosse Pointe Blank. Third, once, you were Lloyd Dobler. You are no longer Lloyd Dobler. I have no desire to see you act in a romantic comedy that is just, well, a romantic comedy. I'd like to see you killing people at your high school reunion or running a seedy, nerd-overrun, record store. So, um, despite the fact that I will probably see Must Love Dogs, please don't take it as a sign that you should make more movies of this type.

Thanks,

Zooby

Dear Telus,

Fuck off and die. I'll be changing over to Shaw digital phone now.

Sincerely,

Zooby.

Dear week,

Please end. Thanks. Oh, not until SATURDAY for me? AWESOME!

No love,

Zooby.

Dear Maury,

I love your show. I watch it almost every morning over a nice slice of banana bread and a mug of steaming, black, coffee. I yell along with your audience at your stupid, stupid guests. Sometimes, I get sad for them, if they're particularly desperate. For example, the little girl with the disease that disfigured her, who wanted only to sing? I WEPT! I wept for hours and hours and hours! I ran out of kleenex and had to use toilet paper instead! I also feel bad for the baby mommas who come on the show for, like, the 18th time to find out that Man 18 is NOT, in fact, the father of her fat baby. I ALSO love it when the guy who is the total horn-dog gets his when it is revealed that he lied to his current squeeze about cheating AND fathering a baby with another woman! Oh, but I also love it when the women who cheat are truly sorry and crying and the baby daddy is all "We all make mistakes." So your show today? Was perfection.

Keep up the good work,

Zooby

Dear Bill Mahr,

I've always felt you were an ugly asshole, but you know, you're taking the ugly to a whole new level of late. Your hair is... yech. I mean, I'm watching you on the Tonight Show your comments also make me retch, but, uh, I was distracted by your beady, beady eyes, disgusting, giant nose and thinning, graying, greasy, stringy, (dare I say it?) David-Lee-Roth-like hair. Sooooo, in conclusion? You're ugly and gross in word, deed, and asthetics. At least you're still BASICALLY a liberal, which is more than I can say for SOME. DENNIS MILLER.

Zooby.

Dear Cold,

Puh-LEASE stop fucking me up!!! Please? I'll give you some candy! No? Siiiiigh.

-Zooby

1 have spoken





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