The Oscars will now be known as Osama's homo-bortion-pot-and-commie-jizzporium

2006-01-05, 11:25 a.m.

So my number one fake news anchor jewish boyfriend Jon Stewart is to host the Oscars.

After putting out fresh fruit and lighting the celebratory inscense ensconsed in my own personal shrine to Mr. Leibowitz (thank God I wrestled that giant cardboard cutout of him from the dumpster behind HMV!), I called my boss to share in the good news.

Because we in the entertainment news business (possibly the only kind of news MORE fake than the stuff Stewart himself reads) were positively kvelling at the possibility of Billy Crystal being hauled up one more time.

When I heard that Oscar stalwarts Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg (and probably Steve Martin as well, though he's the best at it in my humble opinion) had turned the gig down, I was like "Hallelujah!" And then came the news that apparently, everybody DOES hate Chris, because last year's host Chris Rock wasn't asked to reprieve his duties.

Too bad. I would have liked to see a tandem hosting between him and Sean Penn. Preceding every award, Penn could stiffly intone the actors up for the award were talented and worthy of such an incredible praise. And then Rock could've been all: "Bitch, you don't even usually COME to the Oscars, now you're all 'This is a solemn, serious affair and we MUST. NOT. LAUGH. Fuck that noise, nigga." And then Sean Penn would casually loosen his bowtie and call Rock into the alley behind the auditorium. And Rock would make his eyes bug out and possibly do a spit take. And then they'd laugh and pretend the whole thing was fake and hug stiffly.

Yeah. I hope my boyfriend Jon doesn't screw this up too badly.

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