That is:
Brad Vs. Jen.
Pitt Vs. Aniston.
Good Vs. Evil.
Pretty Vs. Not Pretty.
But I digress. Mal came down firmly in Jen's camp.
I gotta say, I'm surprised. There ain't nothing left for me to do now but throw down!
But before I begin, I must state my disclaimer. I do not really like the OTHER woman. Angelina Jolie. I don't mind her. I think she's an okay actress. However, if I were positioned in front of a Kitson store and told to choose, I would most definitely pick a Team Aniston t-shirt. But that's between Aniston and Jolie. When it comes to Jen and Brad, it's a whole 'nother story! If I must choose, I must choose. And so, I have chosen.
1. The Battle of the Gossip Rags
There are so many of these magazines, I don't even know which is which anymore. But for the purposes of this argument, I'm going to focus on the cover of People that Mal posted.
The SCREAMING headline on this one is: HOW IS JEN COPING.
I don't know, and I don't really give a shit. And also, that giant headline should have a question mark after it and it doesn't and that makes me angry. But seriously, why do they even bother? The story is either a)She's fine and she doesn't care about Brad and Angelina and their baby. There will be a quote that's all: "Jen is happier than anybody's ever seen her," said a source close to the former Friend. "She's so over Brad it isn't even funny. She and Vince are totally wrapped up in each other and their film projects. Things are going really well on that front."
Or b)WOAH is JEN! She is so sad! DO YOU HEAR HER? SAAAAD! The quote goes like this: "She can't stop crying and she looks terrible all the time," said a friend of the Hollywood star. "Everybody knows the Vince thing is just a cover-up. He's a good friend, but he can't help Jen recover from this one. Everybody is worried about her."
But these tabloids are making her into this poor, helpless victim. And I'm so sure Jen and her PR people aren't involved in that AT ALL. *EYEROLL* It takes two people to break up folks.
Now maybe the tabs are true and Brad cheated. Maybe it wasn't even with Angelina, though he was clearly already tapping that before the divorce was final, if the wretched bump-watches can be believed.
But the man CLEARLY wanted a family. That much, I think we can deduce from the way he and Ang are assembling their brood like I did when I was a kid playing with dolls. (I want this one and this one and this one... and I'll be the mommy and my giant, Fred Flintstone doll I won at the country fair will be the daddy.)
But Jen clearly does NOT want one RIGHT NOW. And that? Is FINE. I don't EVER want one, so really, seriously Jen, if you don't want a horde of kiddies? You GO girl! There ain't NOTHIN' wrong with not wanting to adopt every malnourished child you see or pump out tiny, blonde, uber-Brads. I wouldn't want to do that either.
But if that's what you want, then SAY it! We won't mind! Seriously! There are LOTS of celebrities who don't have kids and I still love them! In fact, I might love you MORE should you decide not to procreate. We currently have enough pregnant celebrities. It'd be cool if you were the lone, discenting star who decided to be childless.
2. Her Filmography.
Mal says Brad is a bad actor. Please! I SCOFF at this! When compared to Jennifer Aniston, he's Sir Laurence Fucking Olivier!
Honestly. I would like somebody to give me the name of one Jennifer Aniston movie that is any good. And don't say Office Space because you KNOW that anybody could have played that role. I could've played that role! She wasn't the reason the entire Internet loves that movie. So name another good movie she's been in. And it better be Fight Club/Seven good. In fact, I would settle for something that is Meet Joe Black/The Devil's Own bad. But the fact is, Jennifer Aniston is so fucking bland, she can't even star in a truly regrettable movie.
And even if she did, you wouldn't be able to tell, because they're practically interchangeable. Media Gadfly says A River Runs Through It and Legends of the Fall are so similar she didn't even know they were different movies. Oh YEAH? I have FOUR titles for you: The Object of My Affection and Picture Perfect and She's The One and Till There Was You. That's right! You don't know the difference! That's because they're essentially THE SAME MOVIE!
Clearly, JEN is the one with no real talent. Like the REST of the cast of Friends, she could not be more one note if she tried.
Just listen to this: "*Throat clear* Something sarcastic, Hon."
That right there is Jennifer Aniston's tick. It was her tick on Friends (and yeah, okay, she WAS the best thing on the show, which even my esteemed fellow blogger agrees is 'damning with faint praise.') and it's been her tick in almost every movie she's ever been in with the possible exception of The Good Girl, but only because she was playing that role as "Rachel Green is depressed and therefore doesn't say things like 'Hon'" and The Iron Giant which is disqualified because it is one of my favourite movies of all time and I can't bring myself to slag something I love so much.
3. Her Romances
Admittedly, this section is much shorter than Brad Pitt's version. It contains only three names, but oh, those names are so precious!
Tate Donovan! Who? Exactly. Another boring celebrity notch in Jen's plain, boring belt that holds up her boredom.
Let's move on to the next name: Adam Duritz. Yeah. That Adam Duritz. I think his horrendous dreads cancel out Juliette Lewis' cornrows. Which sounds kind of like Counting Crows, which, as everybody knows, is the band Adam Duritz fronted that sucked away my will to live circa 1993. If Brad radiates Skeevosity, I would hate to see what Duritz radiates. Whatever it is, it's probably oozing. I'm actually amazed that Jen is still walking.
And last, but certainly not least, Vince Vaughn. I got nothin' against Vince Vaughn. I love him, in fact. Always have, always will. Ever since the phrase "I'm gonna make Gretzky's head bleed for super fan 99 over here" crossed his lips. The man is a titan of personality and good taste compared to Whatsisface and Mr. Ill-advised Dreadlocks. He's tall, he's funny, he's ... tall. Oh, COME ON! He is both tall and funny, but the time when one could consider Vince Vaughn good-looking? She has passed!
4. Not that pretty
There. I said it. And I mean it. Do I really need to elaborate on it? I kinda think "not that pretty" says it all. No? Okay, here we go: She's not ugly, I'll give her that, but she's relatively plain. Big chin, (formerly) big nose, rail thin, long, blond-ish hair, no sense of adventure when it comes to fashion, and just, generally boring. Boring, boring, boring, boring. BORING. Did I mention that she's boring? Cuz she is. Boring.
I would rebut the whole "Brad looks stupid" argument put forth by The Media Gadfly, but he does look dumb. Maybe he just takes bad pictures. Whatever. I would say that Jen is dumb, but I can't bring myself to care enough about what she is or isn't thinking.
So, in conclusion, I hope you all will join me in hating not only Brad Pitt, not just Angelina Jolie, but Jennifer Aniston too.
There's a lot of hate to go around, my babies. A lot of hate. Surely, we can pass some Jen's way too? I think it's clear that we need to be united in hating ALL the players in this ridiculous three-ring circus.
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