A treatise on cabbies, breasts and sex

2006-03-10, 12:55 a.m.

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I said to the cabbie "Yo homey, smell ya later!"
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Cabbies of the world: I don't really want to chat.

I know this might come as a complete and total SHOCK, but not EVERYBODY needs your scintillating conversation.

I would PREFER it if I entered the cab, said "Hello, please take me home, thank you." And then, there is lovely, serene, blessed silence the entire way home. No chatter, no music, no talk radio, no nothing.

I don't care if it's not kosher, I don't tip chatty drivers. I'm not paying for the conversation. I'm paying you to get me quickly and safely from point a to point b. You cannot do that if you are getting all riled up about what student newspaper is or is not running offensive cartoons (I know this is a sensitive topic, but FYI, running offensive cartoons is pretty much all student newspapers do. Trust me. I was at the Carillon during the Great Space Moose Debate.)

Aaaaaaanyway. If there's one thing I hate more than a cabbie who won't shut up, it's a cabbie who listens to Delilah.

Delilah makes me want to break every single cab radio I can get my hands on. Delilah makes me want to throw up in the LAP of the cab driver. She makes me want to stab myself in the BRAIN with an ice pick.

The people who CALL IN to Delilah are so unbelievably stupid, I would venture to guess they are borderline retarded.

"DELILAAAAAHHHHHH!"
"Yessss, honey!"
"DELILAAAAAHHHHHH!"
"You're on the air with Delilah!"
"Mah wiiiiife!"
"What's wrong, baby?"
"She's... she's been in a TERRIBLE car accident!"
"Oh my GOODNESS!"
"YEAH! I'm trying to get to the HOSPITAL!"
"Well where are you calling from?"
"HOME!"
"Awwwww! Honey, you should GO BE WITH HERRRRRR!"
"*SOB*"
"You need to be with her!"
"My b-b-b-brother-in-law is with h-h-h-errrrrr WAHHHHH!!!"
"Oh, well has he said anything about her condition?"
"She might DIIIIIIIEEEEEE!"
"Oh my goodness!"
"*Is a blubbering mess!!!!1!*"
"Go drive to her, sweetie! Where are you!?"
"New York! I have to go!"
"Yes, but don't drive too fast! The weather is bad! The roads are terrible!"
"I gotta get there fast!"
"Drive slow! Be careful!"
"Okay!"
"We'll see if we can't find something to play for your wife."
"Okay!"
"What's her name?"
"Wanda!"
"And what's your name?"
"Mark!"
"Okay! Be safe Mark! Here's your song for Wanda! Everybody! PRAY FOR WANDA AND MARK!"

What could POSSIBLY live up to that HYPE!? WHAT? I mean, it's gotta be something EPIC, right? RIGHT?
Is it:

a)Aerosmith's I Don't Want to Miss A Thing
b)James Blunt's You're Beautiful
c)Bryan Adams' Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?

Fuck, I WISH it had been A or C. Both would have been such AWESOMELY BAD choices. B is lame, but B it was. Still, there's, like, no uplifting note on the end of that song. It's all "And I will never be with you." Nice sentiment for a possibly coma husband.

Here, mildly retarded guy who's wife was in a car crash, yet who took the time to sit down and dial (probably more than once, since it's a national show and is you're more than likely to get a busy signal) the number to a radio request show on Lite 96: Sorry your wife might die. "But it's time to face the truth. I will never be with you." DRIVE SAFE! Hope your wife didn't kick it!

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Hot girl alert
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Salma Hayek is on Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Two of my favourite people in the world! They should start making out. MAN she is FUCKING HOT. Hooooottttttt. So damn hot. I mean, seriously. I LUST after her. If I were a lesbian, I don't think I'd be a breast gal. I think I would be a leg gal. Gotta love those gams. But. BUT. I would make an exception for Salma's gorgeous breasteses. Best. Boobs. EVAR. They are perfect, lovely, breasts. I want to marry her.

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Eric Balfour?
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Salma's gone now. Boo. Now Eric Balfour is on. I don't know who he is, but why does his head seem so tiny in proportion to his body? And is that why his moustache is, in turn, so tiny? Maybe it's because Conan's head is so huge. Hey, is he... wearing bronzer on his cheekbones?

Weird.

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In OTHER news:
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Finally got to break in that mattress.

Sometime in the future, when the chafing is gone (I'm KIDDING!) I'll post about it. I don't know if this is going anywhere, or if this was a one-night fling-thing. I'm happy either way. Whatever. I'm easy.

Obviously.

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Fuck you, fuckball
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Sometimes, I just get so mad at some people. Bill Napoli is one of those people.

Here is why I wouldn't piss on him to put him out if he were on fire.

Spread that Napoli around like it's Santorum!


Tube: Conan O'Brien. Tomorrow, we travel with Conan to Finland! Where he is king! Today, I ran the headline "Conan the Finlandian." I wonder if that will make anybody but me laugh. I hope so, because I also wrote "Allen Fetches Laughs" for a review of The Shaggy Dog. I'm so embarrassed. One day, I will snap and kill our movie reviewer while screaming "THAT ISN'T FUNNY AND THAT MOVIE ISN'T GOOD!" He's a super nice man, but HOLY HELL! It's a Tim Allen Disney vehicle! Please don't make me run stupid headlines! Please?!
Text: Owen King's We're All In This Together.
Tunes: Neko Case's Fox Confessor Brings The Flood. Awww-some!


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