First of all, girl, let's talk about those photos.
I might just be willing to believe that you and Ryan Seacrest were a couple, except that it looks like he's trying to convince himself that you do, in fact, have a penis, so it's okay that he's got his tongue in your mouth.
Or hey! Maybe he IS straight! After all, no self-respecting homo could go two seconds without shaking his head sadly at your outfit and lisping "Okay honey, what's up with aaaaaaaall this? What are we going for here? You've got Ashton in my Demi and Demi in my Ashton. Together they look like crap."
Girl, I KNOW you are trying to hold on to that precious, precious fame like you were a prissy 18 year old cheer leader trying to hold on to her virginity, like you were gollum with a ring, like you were... Teri Hatcher and fame (look at that, you are your own metaphor!) I KNOW! I GET IT! You LOVE fame and it loves YOU!
But Seacrest? RYAN Seacrest? "Seacrest Out" Seacrest? Are you KIDDING ME?
I mean, when your relationship resembles nothing so much as that episode of the Simpsons when Selma marries Troy McClure and... well, I don't actually have an end for that sentence. I'm still too creeped out by you kissing Ryan Seacrest.
Unless...
You don't think that... No! Too ridiculous! I won't even entertain the thought! But what if -- Okay. Too late. I'm entertaining it.
I mean, if Ryan Seacrest needed a sudden, yet completely unbelievable beard, why didn't he just flip Paul Abdul around? She'd totally go for it! So... maybe, just maybe, he isn't gay and you guys are really and truly in love! OMG! That must be it!
Awww! You guyyyyys! I feel so bad for making fun of you! I know! I'll send you a candy-gram congratulating you on finding each other in this crazy, mixed up world.
Wow. I think my bitter, shrivelled heart might have just grown two sizes this day!
Except for EWWWWWWW!!!
No! This is sick and wrong, as others have pointed out before me. So just STOP IT!
You are SERIOUSLY not fooling ANYBODY who has eyes and a BRAIN! My GOD! My CAT knows you're faking it! God! Just grow up, you two!
And fire your publicists! Because this was NOT EVER a good idea. Not for you, not for Tom Cruise and certainly not for poor, young, Joey Potter.
Unless of course, Teri, you're actually telling the truth about not having a publicist, in which case, you should hire one. Like, yesterday.
I mean, fuck! Ryan Seacrest! Geez!
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