This saddened me more than you will ever know. I cried tears of anguish and torment and real, true, pain. I cried them and I collected them in a glass vial labelled "heartache" and I vowed to save those tears until such a time as the king of rock and roll (that's what I like to call him) would see fit to visit my city again.
When this happens, I will deliver my tears to Rob Thomas on a satin pillow with a vow that I will never, ever, ever miss another concert of his.
Until that day, I have resolved to find out all I can about this amazing man. Exhaustive research has revealed many, many facts. They're cold and hard, and they feel nice against my cheek. I have committed them all to memory and will never let them go.
If you know of any facts about Rob Thomas, I encourage you to share them with me. E-mail me at [email protected] and remember: Knowledge is power. Rob Thomas said that. I know people think Francis Bacon said it, but I don't believe them. Has Francis Bacon ever had a number one single? No. Has Francis Bacon ever jammed with Carlos Santana? No. So why should I trust him? Because he's got SIR in front of his name?
Let me tell you something, if you don't call Rob Thomas Sir, he'll have his bandmates beat you senseless. And that's a fact.
Rob Thomas Facts
Fact: Rob Thomas does not need anybody to hand him a raincoat. When Rob Thomas walks in the rain, the rain falls everywhere but on him.
Fact: Money can't buy happiness, but Rob Thomas can take his money out of the bank and buy happiness, sadness, pathos and even a little bit of fear.
Fact: Love doesn't conquer all, it conquers most. The rest, Rob Thomas sings to and they surrender.
Fact: The rumour about Rob Thomas and Tom Cruise being lovers is true. Any man Rob Thomas even LOOKS at becomes his lover by proxy. He's that hot.
Fact: There are no virgins or lesbians, just women who haven't met Rob Thomas yet.
Fact: When Rob Thomas sings a ballad on stage, he doesn't sit on a stool, he just rearranges his giant balls.
Fact: Rob Thomas has done the Dew. Several times. In fact, he's even slapped The Dew around a little bit. The Dew likes it like that. So does Rob Thomas.
Fact: The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame had to pay Rob Thomas a royalty to use the name because he'd already licenced it for his tour bus.
Fact: Rob Thomas' wife doesn't need a playtex bra. Rob Thomas lifts and seperates them himself.
Fact: Google revealed that the most searched item at 3 a.m. are the lyrics to Matchbox Twenty's song, 3. A.M. Rob Thomas was secretly pleased.
Fact: Rob Thomas' dandruff is 7 of the 11 secret herbs and spices in the Colonel's Kentucky Fried Chicken recipe. The other flavours are a gob of his spit and a few of his eyelashes.
Fact: Every time somebody buys a Matchbox 20 CD a secret alarm is sounded notifying Rob Thomas, who then makes a mental note to send you a fruit basket.
Fact: Rob Thomas has been supporting the fruit basket export commodities markets of several small, central American countries for almost ten years running.
Fact: Rob Thomas invented a portable bidet, but he hasn't shared it with the world yet because he likes knowing that he's got the cleanest bottom in the room at all times.
Fact: Rob Thomas never asks "why put off until tomorrow what you can do today." He just does shit whenever he wants -- usually at 3 a.m.
Fact: Rob Thomas does, in fact, know what it's like to be a superhero: He is secretly the last descendant of an alien planet, is bulletproof, and can fly. He sold his story to DC comics and now lives off the proceeds.
Fact: There is, in fact, a party that can compare to, and indeed surpass, a west coast party. That party is held at Rob Thomas' house. And that house is located in Rob Thomas' pants.
Fact: That which does not kill you makes you stronger. That which does kill you makes Rob Thomas stronger.
Fact: Rob Thomas doesn't have his cake and eat it too. He only eats flan.
Fact: Life is what happens when Rob Thomas is making other plans.
Fact: Rob Thomas, and Rob Thomas alone knows the true meaning of the mystery numbers on Lost. And he ain't telling. Not even the producers. That's why nothing makes sense right now. Rob Thomas is on tour and he doesn't have time to tell them.
Fact: The real world wishes Rob Thomas would stop hassling it.
Fact: Rob Thomas could change his life to better suit your moods. He COULD. But he won't.
Fact: Rob Thomas actually doesn't start getting lonely until around 5 a.m. And when he does, he just calls some of the women waiting outside his bedroom and has sex with them.
Fact: Rob Thomas can't help but be scared of it all sometimes.
Fact: If Rob Thomas wants to push you around, he will. Oh, he will.
Fact: There's nothing Rob Thomas won't do, but some things will cost you extra.
Fact: Rob Thomas knows it's only rock and roll, but he likes it.
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