I know! You're all like Wuh? No! Get. Out.
So thank you, media outlets of the world, for finally stepping up to the plate and proclaiming Michael Jackson this year�s cover boy for Insanity Fair. Because the friendships with several underage boys culminating in allegations of sexual abuse and pedophilia, the tendency to wear a surgical mask and shin guards in public, buying the rights to entire catalogue of Beatles music, accepting an award he hadn�t won and that didn�t even exist, entering into several sham marriages, his friendship with a chimp -A CHIMP!- and calling producer Tommy Mottola a racist devil? That wasn�t enough for us!
No, we had to have him dangle his own son over a balcony before we said �Yeaahhh...something�s not right with him. I think he might be a little, you know...� while twirling our fingers innocently by our ears in the universal �ca-razy!� signal.
Why are people JUST NOW saying that he�s insane? It�s quite clear to me that he�s been nutso for quite awhile. It really shouldn�t take his dangling his baby son over the ledge of a five story balcony for us to know this.
I know there�s supposedly some skin disease, he allegedly suffers from, but I don�t know of any skin disease that complete reconstructs facial bones. Nor do I know of any disease that systematically dissolves the nose.
Hey, remember when he married the daughter of Elvis? Remember that? Did she even have a name? She might as well have been called �Tiny Elvis� for all that it mattered to him.
How about when he named his first-born son Prince Michael? Not enough for ya? Perhaps you haven�t met his second son. Prince Michael. The second. No, really!
I can imagine the thoughts going through his head when his latest weird move made headlines: "Man! If I had known that this would be all it took to get my name in the news again, I would have started having babies produced for me and dangling them over balconies years ago!"
And of course, now that his actions have come under fire, his celebrity friends are going to bat for him. Liza Minelli, for instance, has been quoted as saying that she doesn�t think he was �dangling� the kid so to speak, just holding him up.
To-may-to, to-mah-to, Liza. Sheesh! When your character witness is Liza Minelli, you know you�re in trouble!
As I noted in a previous diary and as Jon Stewart noted last night (Coincidence? I think not.) Michael Jackson is batshit crazy. And if this news is the first time you have actually said that to yourself, then you have either been living under a rock or busy buying up all the copies of his crap-ass new album.
Sigh. And what are the odds that these kids are going to be at all normal? It's not enough anymore, for him to be the freak-show to end all freak-shows, he now has to manufacture his own little freaklets? Why?
This also just in!
Justin Timberlake breaks foot and cancels Much Music Live@Much performance.
Oh no! What will legions of Toronto preteens do now? Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick! I thought we were through with boy bands! Oh, we are? They're now at the annoying, pretentious "We're all doing our own thing right now, but we're not broken up yet" stage of their carreer? Crap! Wake me when it's over.
But really, Much Music seemed at a loss for how to fill those five or six hours of time that Timberlake was supposed to grace the "environment." Here's a thought: With videos? Remember when people praised this channel for still being good when MTV was going to pot? Well apparently, Much didn't want to be left holding the video television torch all by itself, so they jumped on the sucking band-wagon before it rolled away. And yeah, I still watch the New Music. But only for George Stroumboulopoulus. And even that's been scaled back to half an hour.
Another complaint I have with the idiots at Much is that they act as if the Toronto scene is the only scene worth reporting on. A new artist can get plenty of exposure on the prairies, but nationally, our music scene doesn't exist except for rare abnormalities like Wide Mouth Mason and even they aren't that famous. They're always "That band from Saskatoon." I guarantee that if you are Canadian and you say to a friend, "Hey, you know that song by that band from Saskatoon?" Your friend will say "Wide Mouth Mason?" Why? There ARE no other bands from Saskatoon! At least as far as big tv and radio are concerned. As far as Much Music knows, the country ends when you hit the stretch of open road out of Ottawa and only begins again when you see the skyline of Calgary. Hello! There's three and a half provinces between there! There is not one, single, solitary moment on that channel dedicated to prairie music. Much East. Much West. What about the centre of the freaking country? It wouldn't be a problem if you devoted any real time to Much West. Then, they could include the prairies in their reports. It would be great to see Chris Nelson cruising past his old haunts in Regina. But you'll never see that. Because there's only an hour each week dedicated to music in the west. And y'see, there's just sooo much music in Vancouver and Calgary, that they couldn't be bothered to travel to Saskatoon or Regina. Or Winnipeg, ferchrissakes. And they don't care. Because they know that an artist from Saskatoon or Regina or Winnipeg, no matter how much support they have locally, can not resist the sexy pull of Toronto. You seduce us with your big city ways, you evil dark temptress of the night!
I am listening to: Dig that Crazy Santa Clause! Christmas music. I know, shoot me now.
I am eating: Nothing! Wahhh!!!
I am feeling: Angry! I have to miss Buffy tonight to go to some press conference. In the future, if all politicians could please schedule their appearances around my tv watching schedule, it would be much appreciated. Thanks!
I am loving: iTunes! So simple, so great!
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