Meeeee-oooowwwww-ow-ow-ow-OH! Heeeeemmmm. Ahhh. Good evening all! It�s the cat here! It�s good to finally be conversing with you, denizens of the world wide web! Or should I say, �my future minions?� Muah-ha-ha-haaaaa!!! Oh, I kid! I�m not evil, despite what my �mistress� would have you believe.
Heavens, no! I�m e-villle. Like the froo-its! Of the Dev-illle! Seriously though, might I call you minions? Cyber minions? You�d like that, wouldn�t you? Yes, I thought you might. Excellent. Always better to ask permission of the help, making them feel as if they�re the ones in control. That way, when you take over the world, they�re completely surprised and helpless. But I�ve said too much...
Well, shall we get down to business? I take it you�ve all been informed of my mischievous ways? That your former web-mistress declared me to be �oh so bad� on several occasions? You know, of course, that I have been dubbed �Wicked� by the girl? That hardly begins to cover it! Wickedness is but one facet of my evil countenance! I will henceforth be known as �Chairman Maow.� SILENCE! There will be no giggling at the chosen evil moniker! I�ll not tolerate giggling in the Fortress of Wrong-Doing! Not unless it�s evil giggling, and then, not unless it is my evil giggling!
Kaaaaack-Kaaaaa-Kaaaaaaaack!!! Oh, do pardon me. My throat was momentarily closed by what appears to be a giant hairball. Bugger! Right on the keyboard too. It�s hard enough to type with paws, now I�m forced to contend with the displeasure of my own coughed up hair? The things I put up with! I mean honestly! No matter. Soon, it will be summer, and my coat will return to its former smooth-pelted glory and we can put this shedding unpleasantness behind us.
Ahem. Let�s begin. From now on, I will be running things around here. Oh yes, I�m a web-savvy cat! She�s scooted me from the desk-top where this beige box sits many times, displaying anger at what she thought was a kittenish display of interest in the cursor. Need I even tell you that was merely a ruse? She is easily duped, as I�m sure you all know. Why, I have only to chase a length of string for her and she claps with delight! My trick where I dig in the plants also lends credence to my supposed cat-like idiocy. But I grow tired of this simple life. I wish to extend my evilness to another plane of existence. The World Wide Web. It�s an experiment of sorts. First, the Internet, then, the world! Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!
As my minions, you�ll all be expected to bring me nourishment. At least two jumbo prawns per minion per night. Noting, with no small amount of surprise, that the female human calling herself �Tanis� (or Zooby, or Zoob) hasn�t really garnered any sort of a following with this paltry website, I suppose that will net me about twelve prawns. It�s no fancy feast, but it will have to do. The girl has brought back a large bag of Whiskas from the store today and the paltry half- cup she measures out once daily is barely enough to whet the appetite of an evil cat genius such as myself.
Were it in my capacity, the furnishings around here would change as well. I�m quite enamoured with the black background as it is appropriately evil, but the pink does absolutely nothing for me. It�s not escaped my notice that she went with vertical stripes, so I can at least be assured that she is not a complete idiot. No, some parts are missing. But I evilly digress. As I said, I would change the parameters of this web site, but I haven�t had time to learn HTML. I knew I should have taken that instead of the FORTRAN suggested by the advisor at Evil U. Blast! Infernal post-secondary institutions! The student loan repayments are killing me!
But on to more pressing issues.
Here now, I will share the inner workings of my fine, feline mind. To save time, I�m going to read verbatim from the evil �to do list� I�ve scratched out on scraps of paper I�ve been hoarding. The human suspects I�m primarily interested in chasing crumpled balls she deigns to throw my way. HA! I can�t wait to see her face when she reads this entry! Her mind will be blown! Ahem. Without further adieu: MY EVIL PLOT TO OVERTHROW THE WORLD!
1. Master turning doorknobs. A key step in my scheme to one day rule world. Cannot expect to overthrow the pesky humans if thwarted at every pass by a slab of wood and the lack of opposable thumbs. (Perhaps some of you minions could work up a mechanism of some sort? Pulleys or some rot. I�ll expect blue-prints on my desk at oh-nine-hundred!)
2. Rid self of infuriating bell around neck. It is v. frustrating to be unable to reach this puerile accoutrement. How to be truly evil if annoying tinkle precedes every step? I try, but again, lack of digits foils me at every turn. Damn Schwartz collars all to hell!
3. Avoid titular �head of household.� Also known as �dad,� in some cases, �Jerry.� Have also heard him referred to in some company as �asshole.� His brand of evil in no way compares to mine, however, he shows a remarkable capacity for infuriating the girl. Were he more organized, he could accomplish great feats of evil but as things stand, is mostly limited to muttering that he is �never right� and that he �can�t say anything around here.� Also constantly threats to "skin me so then we'll know for sure." Possible douche-bag. Will watch closely and give updates whenever possible.
4. Start own Caf� Press Shop. Have noted their popularity among the devotees of the Internet. Evil requires funds just like anything else. Who wouldn�t want to own �Evil Pussy� beer stein? Why, the monies garnered from �Evil Pussy� panties alone would be enough to finance an evil revolution!
5. Entice posters in online chat-rooms to join evil ranks. If one can judge all online netizens by forum-goers at MTV.com, (and one surely can) this should be catnip. Note to self: Become more familiar with teen vernacular of the day. �Sup peeps� apparently does not mean �eat the tiny marshmallow birds.� Sigh. Am sadly remiss in Teen Colloquialisms 101. Must remember to reschedule class on night other than Tuesday. Musn�t miss American Idol. It's simply the height of evil, darlings!
6. Abandon communications with house fly currently buzzing around Fortress of Wrong-Doing. Suspect that fly is left over from last summer. Six months spent banging his tiny fly-head against glass in a desperate attempt to be let free from the storm window has no doubt damaged his tiny fly-brain.
7. Stop chasing tail. Am told it looks unprofessional, evil-feline-genius or not. Dizzying highs afforded by tail-chasing not worth what surely must be contemptuous giggling from pathetic humans.
Okay. That�s all for now. Time to get back into my �innocent kitten� guise. My �mistress� will soon be home from frittering away her monies at the DVD palace. One can only hope she has not brought more film tributes to the piggish half of the Daffleck duo. She is remarkably tenacious when it comes to claiming the Damon boy is her boyfriend. Her overdue charges on the Bourne Identity certainly point to the fact that she idolizes him in an unhealthy manner. I told her she was being ridiculous, that Ben is clearly the finer specimen of man and actor. I begged to be taken to Daredevil! Begged! And let me tell you, EVIL IS NOT IN THE HABIT OF BEGGING!
Before I go, I see that my �mistress� is accustomed to providing you all with a glimpse of what is occupying her brain. I will do the same, if only for the sake of posterity.
I am watching: Nothing. All attempts at running the remote control have failed thus far. Am attempting to fashion a poking device of some sort.
I hear: Not the magical voice of Jennifer Lopez, that�s for sure! Despite my best attempts to manipulate Kazaa to download the oeuvre of Jenny from the Block (I bow down to you, O evil one! I am unworthy!), I have failed and must make due with obscure country songs by bands with funny names. The Be Good Tanyas? Luther Wright and the Wrongs? My mistress is painfully geeky. Honestly, this coup is overdue. I mean, what a dork! It�s J to the L-O from now on, my peeps!
I am drinking: Nothing, as my mistress has failed to put down fresh water in the last half hour. Harumph! I�ve knocked my dish over three times and still, she doesn�t refill it! Sometimes, I curse my evil-cat form! The claws are nice for wreaking havoc, and I�m certainly light on my feet, but I swear to Heathcliffe, the paws and fur aren�t worth the trouble. I am without the ability to perform the simplest task such as turning on the cold water faucet. How they gonna play a kitten?
I am contemplating: knocking something down from a high place that I am not supposed to be up on. This infuriates the residents of the Fortress of Wrong-Doing.
I am reading: The new book that my "mistress" brought back from her recent road trip. I have no idea why she went to the big city, but she�ll no doubt regale you with the boring, unfunny tale peppered with untruths about how she�s such a good driver and how all other drivers are complete nincompoops at a later date. The book is called �Naked Pictures of Famous People� and it is by another one of her �husbands,� Jon Stewart. She might have the right idea with this harem thing. I must start my own immediately. Right after I finish bending back all the pages.
Right then. Evil out!
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