Like you need to clean your basement out and you need to buy some new jeans and make some mix-tapes. And take your cat to the vet to have his trouble-making balls snipped off, and find out that your car cannot be registered in Saskatchewan because it doesn't pass the 109 point inspection (It won't pass because the WINDSTRIPPING is coming off? You're fucking kidding me!), and you need to let your poor ankle heal and help your moms make Easter dinner and attend your grandfather's 85th birthday party. You also need to get family pictures taken and go to the bar with all your cousins and drink Sour Puss shooters interspersed with Rye and Coke.
Plus, you have to celebrate your own birthday, quietly, simply, with no cake, streamers or fuss, only a pint of Killkenny and a silent vow to do better next year (cause you can't do much worse than you have this year, after all.)
You know? Yeah.
Also, I was summarily ordered by the Canadian government to attend an Employment Insurance meeting. Okay. So I go, and seriously, I don't like people. We've established that. I think it's going to be my eventual downfall in the world of journalism. People are rude, stupid, obnoxious, flatulant, and dirty. And people who work "for the city" or "on the rigs" are usually all of the above. And when you get a group of guys who fall into the above categories in the same room together for an hour and a half, well, it can be quite funny. And kind of sad too.
I hate being out of a job as much as the next person. But not really. Given the opportunity to do nothing, I will do nothing. Literally. And so far, it's been everything I could have dreamed it would be. I putter around the house, I clean, I cook (sometimes) I go for walks, I take pictures, I piss around with my cat, I spend time at the library reading newspapers and books and learning shit, I write, I listen to music, I watch TV, I ride my bike, I look for work. In that order. The only thing worse than not having a job is applying for a job.
So that's why I was a little apprehensive about going to this meeting. I was worried that they would tell me that I wasn't doing enough to find a job. Because I really don't care if I end up doing journalism anymore. I mean, I'd like to, but I'm not doing it to write press releases and shit. If I wanted that, I'd apply for a job as a PR Flack. And I am because it's coming to that, people!
So anyway, here's some of the advice that the presenters were giving to a room full of slack-jawed trogolodytes:
Who has a resume? (Five out of 30 people raise their hands)
Gooooood! Okay, who's been on a job interview with more than one person interviewing them? (Just me this time.)
Greeaaaaaaat! And who can tell me some ways to go about looking for a job? (Complete silence.)
But really, come the fuck on! We're adults, not grade-schoolers! Nobody wants to be that kid who's suggesting shit. We were all too cool for school, so she starts listing things. Things like:
"The newspaper, the Internet, who's looking for jobs on the Internet? (Again, just me. Big surprise.) Right, and what about local businesses! Most jobs aren't advertised! Looking in the paper is a start, but it's not enough! What about the yellow pages?"
Oooookay. Yeah. I looked under "Newspapers" but there wasn't an entry! What do I dooooooo? Gawd. There's one newspaper in town, they're not hiring, and I don't want to work there. The advice just kept getting more ridiculous. So that's when I zoned out and started doodling.
Her: "You need to be making at least 7-10 contacts a week. We need to make sure that you're actively looking for work."
Me: Heh. Lookit that great nose I just drew.
Her: "You should keep a detailed record of your job search. We've provided you with a chart, but you can just use a regular sheet of paper to mark your progress."
Me: Draw, draw, draw. Hmmmm....I think I made that one eye too big. Oh well. Draw, draw, draw...
Her: "How are you all finding the tele-dec phone machine for entering your information every week?"
Me: Aww, nuts! I totally screwed up on the ears. I can't draw ears. I should start over. Or maybe I should just draw a bunch of little stars and planets and stuff. I like drawing saturn.
Her: "Now, some places are going to ask you to fill out an application. Other times, they'll want a resume."
Me: Dooo-bee-dooby dooo! Heh. Watch out for the Penguins! I didn't even know I could draw penguins! Go me!
Her: "Remember that when you're looking for work, you have to be realistic. For example, if you were doing seasonal work like snow removal, you can't put down 'snow removal' when you're looking for work in the spring. You've got to be flexible."
Me: Hee! I've got, like, a whole herd of penguins! Awesome! I wonder if I can do that trick where you draw an envelope without removing your pen from the page.
Her: "I'd like to remind you to report any work you do get. Or if you leave the country. If you aren't in the country, then you aren't considered as available for taking work. And that's considered fraud."
Me: Oops! Almost had it that time! Okay, got it, got it, got it...nooooo! Damn! I swear I've done this before, I know there's a trick to it! Hmmm...
Her: "Remember, you've got to be ready to go at a moment's notice. You'll likely only have a day, and you might have to travel to the area for the work."
Me: Yes! I did it! Woo-hoo!
Her: Okay! That's our time together, make sure you fill out the questionnaire! Feel free to contact us if you have any problems or want some help in your job search!
Me: I could really go for some Fresca.
Okay, maybe I should have taken it a little more seriously, but COME. ON. I'm not a rig pig, nor am I an itinerant city worker or a young mother or a hosue-wife just entering the job force. I learned all those things in grade nine! I need more help than: Make sure you have a resume! Know that they don't have a right to ask about your religion on job interviews!
I grow weary of this. Being unemployed is exhausting.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnished, not to shine in use!
I want to shine in use! I'm sick of rusting! Tennyson was right, man! It is dull to pause! I need to work! I need to exist!
I cannot rest from travel: I will drink life to the lees!
I need to be in it! Moving, travelling, getting shit done! Kicking ass! Taking names, if need be! Don't hate the media, Become the media! When did I forget that? When did I stop drinking life to the lees?
Geek link of the week: Quirks and Quarks A Canadian radio show that answers scientific questions. Hosted by Bob MacDonald, who has recently joined my science nerd harem.
Pages: Solomon Gursky Was Here by Mordechai Richler.
Tunes: Count Basie, Atomic Swing
Tube: That 70's Show I quit watching for awhile, but tuned in last night. It was waaaayyy too over the top last night, with the "Jackie and Hyde are breaking up!" melodrama. But seriously, how cute is Hyde? I do enjoy the boys. Except Ashton Kutcher, whom I think is a complete and utter a-hole.
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