-Joe, Newsradio
My family had a huge argument at the dinner table last night. It was a rip snorter, with everybody taking part instead of just me and my dad for a change.
But I was still upset about it. So I ate my dinner as fast as possible and went to unload in my non-entertainment chat board. I knew exactly where I was going and exactly what I was going to say. So I plopped myself down and basically told all to a group of virtual friends. I did it because I was pissed off at him. And I said some things that really did ring true to me. At the time. As soon as I wrote it, I felt better. And I immediately got a bunch of posts from people who don�t know me saying they knew exactly how I felt, that their dad could be a jerk sometimes too. I felt validated. Little did I know that my smarmy "I�m so great and he�s not" feeling would only last for one night.
So I went on my merry way, falling into a nice, peaceful, uninterrupted slumber. I woke up this morning to wash my face and brush my teeth and my dad called me into the computer room. I thought he needed help with something because he�s not very computer literate (which upped my surprise when I found out what he actually wanted). Turns out, he had found my bitchy rant and was hella pissed about it. And I don�t blame him. I was rude, dismissive, and downright mean. Which will not come as a surprise to many of you. I fear that I often come across that way online. I treat the Internet as my personal therapist sometimes. Or rather, I treat it as a personal, private diary. Which is a joke. Anybody can read this, as evidenced by my techno-impaired father somehow finding that post.
So my dad yelled that he was extremely disappointed and upset and it made him feel, basically, like shit. Which was not what I was going for, since I never meant for him to see it. But he did, and that�s besides the point. We ended up having a talk/argument that wasn�t without yelling, but also, I hope, not without merit. We talked about a lot of things that have been bugging us lately (and it�s impossible to not bug each other, we�re exactly the same in that we yell when we get really upset because that�s an easy way to deal with it.) There were tears (mine) but I don�t think I was the only one bawling. He just goes about it in a different way.
Man, thinking back, some of the things I wrote... well, yeah, I probably wouldn�t have written them, had I been calmer. Don�t post when you�re angry, kids. That�s today�s lesson. Another part of today�s lesson would be this: Don�t treat your parents like they only exist as extensions of yourself. They�re their own people with their own feelings. Maybe you�ve already figured this out, but it took me a nice, long, rude, Internet post to realize that.
I went off half-cocked and posted something completely dismissive of my father without all the facts. I said that he was an asshat (not an asshole as he previously assumed) and that he was acting like a child and, oh, I also called him a fuckwad and said I was only staying here for the cheap rent. Ahem. Hoooo... I�m such a bitch. Yes. I really regret posting all that. Because some of it isn�t true. I�m not staying here for the free rent alone. My parents have been extremely supportive in the last few months. Asking relatively few questions about when I�ll be able to get a job and providing me with meals, a free place to live, and helping me fix my car, which is still rusting in the driveway, thanks to the idiot-stick provincial government. They�ve done nothing but support me (emotionally, financially, and physically) in the past few months, and for me to run to the Internet when I was pissed off was wrong.
He also thinks that now that I�ve broadcast this on the Internet, that people all over the world will know that I think he�s a an asshole. Which is not only highly unlikely, but untrue. None of this really matters, and it was still wrong of me to post it, but between you and me, it�s a relatively small board and it�s not like I posted my name or address or anything. The posters are intelligent people, and most of what gets posted in the "Why I Hate People" thread stays there. In fact, the wonderfully intelligent people there often say "Hey, you�re being unreasonable. So lighten up a bit, homeslice." Which is exactly what one needs to hear in those situations. That�s why it�s there, for you to vent and rant and act pissy around friends who will say "Wow. That sucks. Here are some tips for how you might be able to deal with that." But like I said, that doesn�t matter. He�s seen it and I can�t make him unsee it. I have deleted the post and made both formal and informal apologies.
I regret posting it, but I don�t regret feeling that way. I STILL feel that way sometimes and I�m not going to stop because he doesn�t like it. I�m not sorry for being the way that I am. I�m trying to change the way I deal with all that though. Like, der, maybe not posting it on the Internet for everybody and their dog to read. Because that�s not fair to him. He said it pisses him off when nobody says anything to him. The reason that we don�t talk to him is because when we do say something to him, he says he can never say anything without getting jumped on. You can't say you want me to talk to you and then when I do it, say that you don't want to be jumped on. That�s the whole point of having a conversation! Two or more people talking about something. Yeah, sometimes, people are going to say things to you that you don�t necessarily like. You have to process that and move on with things instead of getting stuck on them. It�s like he stops listening when we say that we are listening. He throws up his hands in frustration. Like "You aren�t listening, even though I told you to listen." I guess he wants us to show him that we�re listening by incorporating what he says into our every day actions. I agree and have been making a much bigger effort than I normally do, to do just that. Because it�s a two-way street folks. If you want your parents to respect you, you�ve got to respect them. BUT (and that�s a big but, and one of my biggest pet peeves) IT WORKS BOTH WAYS. I often don�t act like an adult because I�m rarely, if ever, treated like one. Normally, I�d say that as the adult, it�s his responsibility to lay some of the groundwork for trusting me and at least pretending that I�m an adult who has to learn from her mistakes, but obviously, that�s not going to happen. I don�t know if he can�t trust me or what (and really, who am I kidding? This Internet thing isn�t helping matters. If I were on the opposite side of things, I wouldn�t trust me either.) but I guess it�s all on me and I�m going to do my best.
So Dad, if you somehow manage to find this, I�m going to apologize, yet again. I�m sorry I dumped on you in a public forum in which you couldn�t respond. Even though I know that sometimes, I don�t show it, I really do love you and appreciate everything you�ve done for me. More than you can ever imagine, more than can be conveyed by a dumb hallmark card. I�m sorry that it had to be my incredibly rude and disrespectful behaviour that got us to actually talk about things. I really am. I�m not sorry that we�re talking about it though.
Feeling: Humble
Tunes: Generation Landslide - Alice Cooper. La Dat-Da-Da-Daaaaa.
Tube: The Price is Right. Bob Barker is a silver fox, yo.
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