"half of the girls in my highschool dress like that."
That's a shame. Is this a school for the blind?
-Sassy Black Neighbor. On Hilary Duff.
We should all go down there like a '50s motorcycle gang--you know, cigs hanging out of our mouths, black leather, tight white t-shirts, except they say MY THETAN CAN BEAT UP YOUR THETAN--and be all like, Hey, baby, what's this I hear about Xenu treatin' you bad? And they'll all be like, What? (Because I see all these poor little low-level Scientologers as being doe-eyed chicks in poodle skirts, in my little allergy medication-addled fantasia.) And Hank Scorpio's the Leader of the Pack (vroom vroom!)and he tells 'em what's what and we end up riding off into the sunset with all the chickies on the backs of our Harleys with the center supervisor shaking his fist and shouting after us, "I'm gonna call our lawyers, you hooligans!," and that's when we yell back over our shoulders, "Go tell it to Xenu, CLAM!"
-cleolinda on $cientology
"Also, was Xenu married? To...Xena?"
BWAH!! Xena, Warrior Clam.
Edited To Add: and her Mussels of Justice
-Siona
That old Wal-Mart man also says, "I love customers. without customers, there'd be no Wal-Mart." Thank you, old man Wal-Mart-san.
-Siona
How could I have forgotten the most embarrassing of my childhood crushes? He came from a different time...a simpler time. He was dreamy and poetic, soft-spoken and non-threatening. He was decent and reliable, yet even within the bosom of his own family he was something of an outsider. I was absolutely certain he would love the poem I wrote about jonquils in the springtime. He was...John-Boy Walton.
-Portia
I think I would honestly go insane if my closest friends couldn't conduct a conversation that didn't go like this: Comment, comment, set-up, PUNCHLINE! FUNNIER PUNCHLINE! Comment, set-up, ANOTHER PUNCHLINE! PRATFALL! After a couple of days with people like this, I think I'd be forced to walk into Central Perk with a gun and a kitten and scream, "Okay, FUNNY PEOPLE! Let's see you make a joke about THIS! What's funny about SHOOTING A KITTEN, motherfucker? Let's see you make a joke about kitten murder! Not so funny now, ARE YOU, CHANDLER BING?!?"
-Green Kermina
I'm just agog at all the freakishness. He doesn't just make my skin crawl, he makes it scamper screaming for the woods. -butterbee on Crazy Michael Jackson
For the record, I don't trust 'dem Canadians. They are too quiet. What are they up to? To Americans, Canada is like an unwelcome lover: cold, hard, and on top of us. But, then, I don't trust any of those 'overseas' nations.
-Calvin (ed. Note: I am fond of pointing out that we are also bigger and on top, thus, making America our bitch. Apologies to Rick Mercer.)
"Run Frodo! Run!" This is usually followed by me using a butter knife to fight off imaginary orcs. Can you believe I am single? I can't.
-Cimorene
I know this is a bit behind the times, but I simply must set the record straight! The actual slogan everyone was arguing about is: "Don't Nobody Doesn't Not Dislike No Sara Lee!" Get it right, people.
-Chuckell
Coldplay is better than Radiohead.
Doves is better than Coldplay.
(Corollary: Thom Yorke scares babies.)
-Grog
Granted that the whole song is a train wreck of poetry, but I gotta mention the beautiful, accidental double-entendre in Eminem's "Lose Yourself," where he says: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. Even interpreted nicely, the lyric really says "you have one chance to suck, so don't miss it! Make the most of your chance to be terrible!"
-MyMotherKillsDucklings
It really isn't a Tori Amos performance until she gets to third base with her Bosendorf.
-TheLastSanePostman
I love Shakespeare, but I've now come to realize that he should have just renamed the final act in all of his plays "The Most Contrived Ending In the History of Literature, But I Don't Care Because I've Got to Wrap This Thing Up."
-thestatic
Velour jump-suits just scream "thug".
-Sassy Black Neighbor on Ben Affleck
Nippy can sing better than J-lo even when she's got a mouth full of crack pipe and a wig full of sweat.
-The 6th Element on Whitney Houston
Actually scratch that, becoming friends with Matt Damon is the smartest thing Assfleck ever did. Sometimes when they touched the honesty was too much and Ben got a strange feeling inside. He wanted to hold Matt until he died, till they both broke down and cried. He wanted to hold him...till the fear in him subsides. He also wanted to make-out with him.
-The 6th Element on Ben Affleck
Yanni has a penis?
-Marla Singer
Dudes, we can see your Depends bunched up underneath those tight leather pants.Time to call it quits.
-Raksha on The Rolling Stones
I hate anyone who appeared on the TV Land Awards "starring the Camel toe Dancers!", except Dick Van Dyke who has a set of sleaze proof armor.
-sgleason
I wouldn't hit Ann Coulter if I met her. I wouldn't even pull her hair. I'd be more likely to pelt her with water balloons - preferably full of Pantene Pro-V leave-in conditioner. How can a conservative with so much money, who's so proudly prissy, have hair like that? It's awful! Bitch needs some tips, okay?
-Razzberryberet
I love me some George Mason. I had to go find his scenes in T2, and there he was - bringing the Mason snark, too:
"Wife: Go yell at (John Connor) - he hasn't cleaned his room in a month.
Xander: Oh, if it's an emergency, I'll get right on it."
-Shalamar
I've been catching up on New X-Men via the paperbacks, and my major reaction to them has been: OH, MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS EMMA FROST WEARING?!? Seriously; at times, it looks like she has either white leather pasties, or a beloved tube top that developed a tumor and had to undergo surgery. It's just skanktastic.
-Justin Cognito
"Tim Robbins/Susan Sarandon Leftie Jamboree" I wish that there was a jug band with this name.
-Crayola
Come on, Traci, it's like my grandmother always said: when life gives you lemons, videotape yourself having sex with them.
-Rogue Pimp on Traci Lords
To be fair, though, Chandler's boobs aren't anywhere near as big as Joey's. It's like an SAT question:
Matthew Perry's man boobs are to Matt LeBlanc's as
(a) Lara Flynn Boyle's are to Calista Flockhart's
(b) Courteney Cox's are to Jennifer Aniston's
(c) Pamela Anderson's are to Anna Nicole Smith's.
(The answer, of course, being c.)
-Perma Grin
Dear X-tina,
Please get Dirrtier. I loved it! You and me we are on the same page with this. You want to be dirty. I want to see dirt. The satelite Smutnik orbits around the moons of our planets forever aligning our destinies... Get a riding crop, a man in a pig mask and a pair of crotchless pants. Call David LaChappelle and meet me in the alley. I'll be waiting.
Smutilly yours,
6th
-The 6th Element
Let's pretend I'm Britney. I know it's a stretch. My first true love is on the cover of Rolling Stone, giving "I'mma have you nekkid by the end of this photo shoot" face to the woman I've repeated called one of my best childhood friends.
-lilbabynobody
To this very day, I laugh uncontrollably whenever I recall the FT'er who posted on MJH's fan site, simply:
"You have a wonky eye."
-Texas-Gal
I'm so at a loss to describe the complete transformation from the earlier days of the show, that I've almost decided the scary anorexic face is partly what's limiting her performance. I mean, there's barely any flesh. What the hell's she supposed to make an expression with?
-wakeupinacoma on Sarah Michelle Gellar
IIRC Sarah Michelle Gellar was hospitalized the day before her wedding, due to 'dehydration'. Okayyyy. Honey, water doesn't have any calories - you can drink that.
-Nokia
Apparently there is no surgery that can block the gnawing hunger for fame.
-JavaJunkie on Carnie Wilson�s news that she will be appearing in Playboy to show off a post-stomach stapling body.
I so don't get these Viagra spots.
"Jim! Did you get a promotion?"
"Nope."
"New car? Haircut?"
"Nope. Nope"
I mean, are they leaving out a part of the conversation? "Then why are you sporting that gi-normous stiffy, man?"
-Chuckell
Somewhere, the Flash is weeping.
-Cathy51 on James Van Der Beek's marriage
"Do we have any predictions about what the spawn of such a union would look like?"
No, but if head size is a factor, I suspect a C-section would be compulsory.
-Quoass on James Van Der Beek's possible spawn.
0 have spoken
