CMT, better known as Country Music Television (Hey, did you know that Billy Bob Thornton is in a Travis Tritt video? What up with that?) runs episodes of Bonanza, Little House on the Prairie and Highway to Heaven late at night. A veritable smorgasborg of Michael Landon activity. Oh, and Matlock. So my dad was flicking and came across Bonanza, which apparently reminded him of his time on the farm when TV was a newfangled invention that could let him stay up an hour later to see Topo Gigio on Ed Sullivan.
Somehow, we got to talking about who was the most handsome Cartwright.
Dad: My sisters always liked Little Joe.
Me: Meh.
Dad: Whaddaya mean, "meh?"
Me: I dunno. Too young, too brash. I'm not the "think with our fists and guns/ladies man/lothario" type. Plus, he was too short.
Dad: *Snrt!* Too short?! So what're you, the "big, dumb idjit" type? You like Hoss?
Me: I could have liked Hoss. But that hat came between us.
Dad: Seriously, that's a ridiculous hat! I mean, look! Right here! He's on a stakeout to find this red-headed stranger who shot somebody, and he's hiding behind the boulder, which is fine, but you know, one of those hombres is gonna look up and see a boulder with a hat and it's not gonna be pretty.
Me: Really. Why would you need a hat that big? I mean, he's got a big head, but not that big!
Dad: Stop trying to change the subject!
Me: Oh. Right. Well, we've covered Little Joe and Hoss and why they'll never have a chance with a lovely senorita like me. So that leaves the only Cartwright boy with a normal name.
Dad: Adam?
Me: *sigh* Adam. He's so dreamy.
Dad: But...he's bald!
Me: Well not on this show!
Dad: Whatever. You had a crush on Trapper John too!
Me: What!?
Dad: Trapper John, M.D. and Tanis, sitting in a tree!
Me: I categorically deny that! I had a crush on B.J. Hunicutt.
Dad: Really?
Me: Totally. Way cuter than Hawkeye. Anyway. Back to Adam. He was sensitive. Mature. Lonely. Tall, dark, and handsome. He loved poetry and reading and shouldered the responsibility of the Ponderosa at a young age.
Dad: I believe you had a crush on another sensitive type. Did you ever hear back from John Boy Walton?
Me: Shhhhhh!!! You want somebody to hear you? Jeez!
Dad: You liiiiiike him!
Me: Shut up.
Dad: You loooooooooove him!
Me: Shuuuuut uuuuuuuup!
Dad: You want to maaaaaary him and have his baaaaaaabies!
Me: HE WAS FROM ANOTHER TIME!!!
Dad: You watched waaaaaaay too much TV when you were a kid!
Me: I did not! I read! Like Adam. *Sigh*
Dad: I don't understand the Adam love. He was a total stiff. Little Joe and Hoss had all the fun.
Me: Look, can he help it if his brothers were goofs and his father was always busy reminiscing about his many lovers? Somebody had to take care of the Ponderosa!
Dad: Did you just insult Ben Cartwright?
Me: Well come on! I mean, three sons from three different women? And all his wives died or mysteriously disappear? Suspicious circumstances at best. I don't see how you can deny the obvious conclusion that Ben Cartwright was a complete and total man-whore.
Dad: Okay, Columbo! Seriously. Don't be insulting Ben Cartwright. He'll flip you.
Me: What?
Dad: He'll flip you for real.
Me: Okay there, Keyser.
Dad: Adam. Pffft! Booooring!
Me: Whatever! You have a crush on Ben Cartwright!
Dad: I cannot deny that I think he is a handsome man.
Me: You liiiiiiiiike him!
Me: You looooooooove him!
Me: You want to maaaaaaaaary him! ....And have one male child of his, then fade away into the sunset, only to re-emerge when Ben's got a ass pocket of whiskey and a head full of memories.
Dad: *Sniff* He loved me and then he left.
Me: Heh. Hey! Matlock!
Dad: Please don't tell me you like him!
Me: Are you kidding? Andy Griffith is a silver fox, yo!
Dad: .....
Me: Rrrrowr!
Dad: You're kidding me, right?
Me: Yes.
Dad: I knew it.
Me: Alex Trebek on the other hand.
Dad: Seriously.
Me: I'll take "Sexy mofos for $100, Alex."
Dad: I don't need to hear this!
Me: He's hot!
Dad: He's older than me!!!
Me: Hmmm....true enough. Well, he's my stand-by if the whole "marrying the entire cast of CSI" thing I had planned falls through.
Dad: Okay. I can live with that. There are so many of them that you're bound to meet and fall in love with one of them eventually.
Me: EXACTLY!
Tunes: Ray Charles. You know, he'll never go out of style! A living legend. Right now, I'm listening to "What'd I Say" which I recall was always featured in the trailers for My Best Friend's Wedding, but was never used on the soundtrack. I hate it when they do that!Tube: Bonanza Adam rules! Pages: Sick Puppy by Carl Hiassen is just a fantastic read. I think this is one of my favourites of his. I've tagged Strip Tease as my next one. Man, my boyfriend Robert Patrick was great in that movie. Everyone except Demi (who totally did not get that it was a black comedy) was awesome. I mean, Burt Reynolds wears cowboy boots and not much else besides a thin layer of vaseline. "I can feel it squishing between my toes!" avoiding: packing my shit.
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