I was visited by two of my good friends from Saskatchewan last weekend. A former roommate and her boyfriend. We had shared many good laughs. And a great bottle of Jack Daniels. And a positively smashing case or two of beer. And they purchased pizza pops for me because I am a poor, poor, loser who has no financial future to speak of.
On Saturday night, after traipsing about the town and eating Vietnamese Subs (don't ask) we rented some movies and got ourselves some alcohol (they were intrigued by my "best name for a liquor store wins" policy and we fought over purchasing our hooch from "The Best Damn Liquor Store Period" or "Hops and Scotch." In the end, "The Real Canadian Liquor Store" won out, but only because it was a subsidiary of the Real Canadian Super Store where we purchased said pizza pops and munchies) then, settled in for the time honoured rainy night tradition of drinking and watching teenage girls fall down and laughing at them.
What I am about to tell you does not leave this website, got it? It does not even leave this paragraph, okay? Last year, I purposefully got up early every Saturday in order to watch Lizzie McGuire. Oh, I'd tell myself that I was getting up to watch Premier League Soccer, but if I'm being absolutely truthful, I spent far more time watching the antics of one Hilary Duff than I did watching hot guys run around in short-shorts. I know. It's a mystery for the times. And it's almost tragic how much I suck. This is right up there on my list of embarrassing revealations. Right below "I really like James Woods and find him kinda sexy and will watch pretty much anything with him in it." Guh. I feel so dirty. But Lizzie McGuire. It's one of the stupidest shows that is on the air. I can't quite believe how much it sucks. If you look closely, you'll see that the cartoon Lizzie's eyes are sort of swirling, sucking eddies of hypno-tastic fun. Oh, you want to look away. You want to watch the pretty soccer players, but nooooooo.... It's like the Dawson's Creek for the younger set in that, the leader character is the most unappealing, uncharismatic, overactor on the show. Like Dawson before her, Lizzie sucks so bad and so hard she makes you root for everybody else over her.
When my friends and I were combing the aisles of the local BlockBuster looking for a movie that none of us had seen, literally the only thing that was left was the Lizzie McGuire movie. I pretended to be disgusted, but I was secretly overjoyed. God, the snark was strong with us that evening.
We formulated a drinking game almost immediately.
-One sip every time Lizzie mashes her disgusting lips together in an unappealing manner.
-One sip every time Lizzie gives a righteously indignant huff that sounds roughly like this: "Unh!!!"
-Two sips every time there's animation
-Two sips every time Hilary Duff over-emotes.
-One gulp every time Gordo (that poor boy) looks or acts jealous.
-One gulp every time there's an overly pronounced Italian accent or stereotype (Hindsight being what it is, we should have made this one a sip.)
-CHUG when Hilary Duff is the one faking said accent. (It will be all that will get you through that scene, so for the love of God, man! CHUG!)
-One gulp every time there's a montage sequence.
-Finish the drink whenever there's a scene with Alex Borstein looking like she wants to kill Hilary Duff with her bare hands and then wear her hollowed out skull as a helmet while head-butting her lifeless corpse.
It was just as bad as you would think it would be. It was worse. And I think I have a tween-queen movie rental problem because about three weeks ago, I rented What A Girl Wants with another friend. Which is worse? Tough to call, but in the end, Amanda Bynes falls down less and has a hotter father. Mmmm...Colin Firth debasing himself.
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I am absolutely heartened by the number of people finding their way to this little site by googling Johnny Cash lyrics. It almost makes up for the folks who google "How much do shrooms cost?" OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
Soon, I'm going to put together a top ten entries page. Because I'm Rob Gordon's bitch like that.
Check out Invincible girl's site. Why? Cause she's goddamn invincible, that's why.
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