Dear John Mayer,
I like you.
I think you are a pretty neat guy. You play a mean guitar, you write some great songs and you are, from what I can tell from reading your blogs and watching your very funny one-shot TV show, one funny motherfucker.
You might be the funniest musician of all time. I don't know for sure, because Billy Joel doesn't have a blog and there's that restraining order (turns out I wasn't the lunatic he was looking for) But I just bet you are the funniest musician ever.
I'm not even really much of a disaffected hipster, so I can't pull the "I'm embarrassed to be seen buying something so mainstream." Mainstream, in this case, is very good indeed. Sometimes, smart stuff slips through the mainstream's crapola sensors.
I am impressed by your guitar-playing ability. I am impressed by your songwriting and yes, even your hair (Though you seriously might want to look into a trim before you get too Edward Scissorhands, and seriously, that moustache I've seen you rocking in the gossip pages... well, you've been air-guitaring that moustache. Please to be shaving that off now.)
When Continuum came out and Waiting On the World to Change was everywhere, I had to give props where props were due. Great song. And the rest of the album stands up. I like it much more than any of your previous albums, except the Trio stuff, cause damn! Pino Palladino, man! Good stuff! And you've worked with Clapton! CLAPTON, man! Slowhand himself! One day, you'll have a nickname. It might very well be Edward Scissorhands, but hey. There's a hand in there. That's close.
I really want to like you even more than I do. Every generation needs a guitar hero. You could be that hero. It's not like anybody is really defending the throne *cough*EddieVanHalen*cough* Basically, I think there's more to you than what got put out there circa Daughters or Room For Squares. But there's a problem.
All of this good will, all these warm, fuzzy feelings are negated by one, tuna-eating fact. I have a hard time liking you knowing that you are dating a retard. And I mean that in a not-nice, not PC, seriously, Jessica Simpson is retarded and what in Gidget's name are you doing with her? kind of way.
Normally, I would have no problem with who you decided to date. But dating Jessica Simpson is kind of like... I don't know. I don't think there's even a metaphor that works here. It's like if this really talented, funny, smart, cute, interesting guy started dating this total skankbot. Yeah. It's exactly like that. Except I should have said totally STUPID skankbot.
I think Jessica's momma once said she's got an IQ in the 160s. Well that don't make what she's doing any better. In fact, if Jessica Simpson truly does have an IQ in the 160s and chooses to portray herself as someone so dumb she did something dumb, then might you be able to deliver a message to her? It should say something along the lines of "Fuck off and die, you miserable bitch." I kept it pretty simple because I don't really believe her hair is so big because it hides her massive brain.
But if you wanted to extend that message, it would read something like: If you're that smart and you think it's okay to be a woman in a high-profile career and play dumb every damn day of your life because it's easier or it gets you more shit or your daddy will not get so mad at you when you have an idea that is your own, then you suck. Because you are taking what hundreds of thousands of women have fought for over the years and stomping all over it with your fuck-me pumps. That is not okay with me. If I saw you on the street, I would punch you in the ovary. You teach little girls that as long as they're pretty and smile, they don't need to be smart. I'm sorry this industry molded you into that and I'm sorry your dad's a creepy stage parent, but you are a grown-ass woman! Behave like one please!
Now. Back to you, John. I hope you're almost done this "date a pop star" phase of your career. I hope you're now at the "dump said pop star and date somebody normal and awesome" or the "being single and successful is pretty great, what with my money and friends and family" phase.
Because you once said something in one of your blogs that made me think "This guy really gets what music means to people." People slow dance to your songs. They accept or decline marriage proposals. They lose their virginity. They share intimate moments with you, whether you're aware of it or not. I think you are aware of it. That you choose to associate yourself with a woman who is famous for warbling somewhat poor renditions of songs made famous by other people and mortgaging her own marriage for fame on a TV show is something your fans will notice because they are not stupid.
They see that. And they go "Is this the same guy? I don't know. I don't think it is." And then, little by little, they stop letting you share their intimate moments. And they buy a Justin Timberlake CD instead. Do you want that? DO YOU? I also think this would hinder your creative juices. Judging from your various albums, the ladies inspire you. How's Jessica Simpson gonna inspire you? I mean, what rhymes with vapid whore? When Daughters came out, I once voted in an hilarious online poll that offered you up as a choice for singer songwriter most likely to be a date rapist. I'm ah, sorry about that. I didn't get you then. I like you quite a bit now. This is kind of a backhanded way of saying it, but I do. Consider it a backhanded hug where I hold on a little too long and whisper "dump that idiot." into your giant hair.
But I digress. My point is, I think I get you, John Mayer and I would like to say on behalf of the portion of humanity that might also get you: That's enough.
Sincerely,
Me
P.S. Oooh! I got one! Ready? Giant bore! Huh? Huh? It totally rhymes! I'll give you that one for free, Mayer.
Tube: Raines. Gasp! My secret crush on Jeff Goldblum is revealed! Enh. It's better than E.R. Which I HAVE been watching just because, um, uh... Drat! My secret crush on Uncle Jesse is revealed! Oh, wait. I already revealed that.
Text: I just finished Christopher Moore's Blood Sucking Fiends. I gotta be honest, Christopher Moore. It's your titles that drag me in. Next up, You Suck: A Love Story.
Tunes: I have been listening to Arcade Fire's Neon Bible and I'm kind of creeped out and impressed and overwhelmed all at once. And I've also been listening to local group The Dudes and maybe air-guitaring in my underwear. Curtains open, bitches.
0 have spoken
