This is funny concentrate. For when you want the funny, but don't want to have to determine the funny for yourself. I and some other FTers have done it for you! I hope it rocks your face off.
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Of his domineering father, Joe, whom he has criticized in the past, Mr. Jackson said, "He was scared of human emotion, but he did know doughnuts. _________________________________________
What in the hell is this supposed to mean? I now have this scene playing in my head:Michael Jackson (age 11 or so): Dad, I need to talk to you. I think I need to take a break from show business. I feel I'm missing out on my childhood.
Joe Jackson (sitting in front of a box of Dunkin' Donuts): Hmm? Not now, Michael, I'm trying to figure out which donut to have with my coffee. (holds up a donut) Now, a lot of people go for your Boston Creme, but I say that's not a real donut. A real donut doesn't contain pudding.
Michael: But, dad, while other kids my age get to play outside, I'm stuck inside all day at the recording studio. I never have any time just to be a kid.
Joe: Now you got your two types of donuts. You got your glazed type of donuts. They're fluffy, airy, light. They taste best right out of the fryer. Mmm-mmm.
Michael: Dad, please, I'm trying to talk to you. I feel restrained, closed-in by all the adult responsibilities I have. I'm just 11-years old! I haven't even hit puberty yet.
Joe: But me, I like the cake donut. It's heavy, solid, sticks to a man's ribs. You eat a cake donut, you know you've had a donut, by god!
Michael: I need a break, Dad, please. I'm surrounded by adults all day long. Despite the fact that they're my employees, they refuse to play Kerplunk with me. Do you know how hard it is to play Kerplunk Solitaire? I just *sob* can't take it *sob* anymore. *sob* I want to run and play with kids my own age. starts sobbing uncontrollably
Joe (finally noticing Michael): Huh? What the hell's wrong with you, kid? reaches into the Dunkin' Donuts box for a bear claw Here, have a donut, it'll make you feel better.
-Roseland on Michael Jackson.
Did anyone else notice that Zelda's neck looked like a column of yeasty dough? "This house is clean, now. Have a biscuit."
-Hazel Moates on Poltergeist actress Zelda Rubeinstein.
I did note that Corey's pills were prescribed by a dentist, which probably means the bottle contained some type of painkillers. And knowing his problems with substances, that does warrant a "poor Corey." I mean, it's kinda like buying Dana Plato's last bottles of Valium and Vicodin or something. "Duuuuude ... this is the shit that killed Kimberly Drummond!"
-Perma Grin on Corey Haim
Hearing about famous people poo stories always makes me think to myself "What the hell, man! It's POO! How can you be entertained by poo!? What are you, five?" Clearly the answer is "Yes. I am mentally stuck at the age of five." Now, it's fine to think "Heh. That guy in that movie got covered in poo!" Because you know it's not really poo. But to do something like that in real life and go "Hee!" is just, well...dude! Grow the fuck up! Poo! Honestly! But I digress.
-Zooby on John Cusack
�I don't think it's how she really is. It's an act. She learned everything she knows from the 'punk' episode of Quincy�
-Linden on avril lavigne
Well, I like Lileks, but him calling Moore an irritating blowhard screams of pot-kettle-black-callingness.
-Uke King on Bowling for Columbine
Well, since the "Him" in FHM is capitalized, I assume the Him in question is God. Who knew He liked the boobies so much?
-Uke King on Rolling Stone
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I especially like how involved and concerned he is about the environment.
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He's particularly concerned about regulating the amount of pussy in said environment. I believe he even formed his own NGO to pursue said issue.
-Nathaniel on Leonardo DeCaprio
If any of you were Leonardo DiCaprio you'd form a Pussy Posse too. He had to have 'pussy' being thrown at him left, right, every minute of the live-long day. After awhile you just .... I don't know? Form a Pussy Posse?
Hey, it was a Posse. You never know. It could have been a formation of a security gang to protect him from the abundant amounts of pussy being catapulted towards him.
-Notorious on Leonardo DiCaprio
You know right about now it's hitting him. "God, this divorce thing is exhausting. Think I'll go read some comics....which....I sold....KHAAAAAAAAN!!"
-Pete on Nic Cage
I do like that poster. The blood makes it even more arresting. (Speaking of being arrested - I hear sirens. Quick! Eat the computer! Destroy the evidence!)
-Shalamar on lusting after Harry Potter movie posters.
I haven't read his latest stuff, but I *did* read The Black House, which he did with Peter Straub. (And was a sequel to The Talisman) It rocked my face off. I'll miss him.
-Moodeln on Stephen King�s retirement.
My dad told me tonight that he thinks Brian is going to win. Then I disowned my dad.
-Wing Chun on Survivor: Thailand
Regarding the Christmas mix thing...maybe a poll is in order? I was thinking of doing one for the next round, but now I'm afraid that if I do, the person I send it to will track me down and suck out my eyes. You know. Like they do. Well, okay, maybe not a poll, but do like marm and holla back if you don't want one.
-Pete on the FT CD Mixtape trade
Anyone think that when Jones was arrested the cop said, "Les jeux sont faits. Translation: Your ass is mine!� Because that would have been cool.
-HeatherLynn on Jeffrey Jones
To which JJ no doubt replied "I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind."
-dimesy on Jeffery Jones
The video for "Testify"...Jesus, what obnoxious, self-righteous little pricks. I especially enjoy the montage of Gore and Bush at fund-raising dinners, eating. Just, both o' them, eating. How dare they, when thousands of people are starving?! Those damn eating fuckers...and the way they blended the faces at the end.
-Page on Rage Against the Machine
Rufus Sewell, buddy, what happened? Things were going all right, weren't they? Dark City was a cult hit...hey, Ebert named it the best film of 1998 on his list. What's this Extreme Ops shit? It was working with Kim Basinger, wasn't it? It changes a man. Look at Russell Crowe. Hell, look at Alec Baldwin. Step back from the abyss, Ruf.
-Pete on �Extreme Ops� the movie!
And what would Jesus do if his wife hit him in the face with a cell phone? Turn the other cheek, I bet.
-Pachinko on Scott Stapp
It�s not the general tenor of Gest�s comments that disturbs it�s the specificity. It must be Liza's left breast. Not the right; the left. That little detail serves to make the mental image of David pressing his plucked, pulled visage nearer the dug of his jazz-handed paramour even more vivid.
-Pachinko on Liza Minelli
I hate being 21. I cried the entire week of my birthday. 21 is completely and totally useless to me. Except for porn. I can get into the really good over 21 porn shops now.
-Freaky Faerie
While I'm sure he's a douchebag in real life, I think he's a great actor, and deserves more credit than people give him.
---Invinciblegirl on Leonardo DiCaprio
Jack Osbourne, on the other hand, with his afro and bare feet and a pair of ragged, calf-length pants looked exactly like a hobbit.
-Glitterbug on Kelly Osbourne
Indeed, if I were to start again at Fametracker with an entirely new ID, it would be "Baby Dangle."
- Ukulele King on Michael Jackson
You'll find plenty of Juggalos in my hometown, Claudine. They're the ones throwing phoney gang-signs and claiming the east side of third trailer park on the right there in Motherfuck, Michigan.
-Frank Gunn on 8 Mile
Eminem playing with Stern's private parts, on the other hand, would make one helluva movie.
-Nathaniel on 8 Mile
(in Soup Nazi voice)
"No ass for you!"
-year of the cat on Solaris
And there's more to come folks. Keep on keepin on!
