The Geek Chic Celebrity Harem Papers are meant in fun, and since most of the gentlemen I choose to be in the harem have excellent senses of humour, there should be no problem with, like, law suits or anything. So fair warning, boys.
The Celebrity Harem Papers are plentiful, as the Harem is practically bursting at the seams with talented, funny gentlemen who are more than easy on the eyes. So sit back and enjoy the ride, as I introduce the first batch of celebrity harem members: Johnny Depp, Larry Mullen Jr., Jon Stewart, Matt Damon, and Robert Patrick.
John Depp: Celebrity Harem Thespian
Dearest Johnny,
I think Pamie read my diary to write your fame audit at FameTracker. Oh Johnny! I love you so! Remember the good times we had when I watched every single movie you were in, no matter how badly you roughed yourself up for it? Remember how you seem to resent your fame? Oh. Both of those things are still going on. Well, I think that's why I love you. I've added you to my harem. You're currently in the top spot. Just thought you'd like to know. Who is this Paradis woman anyway? What does she have that I don't have? Oh. Oh. She's a hot starlet with whom you've already reproduced? Oh. Okay. You're right then. I don't have that. But Johnny! Wait! I might give up my moratorium on not having kids for you. I know! Aren't you lucky? Just wanted you to know.
Yours,Zooby DeppMrs. Zooby DeppMs. Zoob DeppMr. Johnny Depp and wife, ZoobyZooby + Johnny = TRULUV 4EVA!!!
Zooby
P.S. I'm going to see Pirates of the Carribean for you! That's a pretty damn big sacrifice. But I still love you. Call me!
P.P.S. It's zooby. All one word, no last name. Like Twiggy. Only less supermodelish.
Lawrence Mullen Jr.: Harem drummer
Dear Larry,
Hi there! Sorry I haven�t written to you sooner. I was going to, but every time I�d start, something would come up, either on my end, or on yours. Like, that first time when I was in grade eight and I was going to counsel you to get rid of that mullet, but then, Madame Franklin caught me writing it in English during a French class so she confiscated the letter and not only would she not give it back, but she read it to the class! En Francais! Merde! And you were on a world wide tour for some big deal album or something. I didn�t want to interrupt. I hear the Joshua Tree did very well, though. So congratulations! If you�re ever in town, we could go to Bonanza to celebrate. They let you put your own sprinkles on the ice cream there.
Are you ever going to come around to pick up that portrait of yourself in my attic? I mean, I�m not getting any younger here. And you aren't getting any older either, as far as I can tell. I mean, the video for Electrical Storm? Peck-tastic! Very sexy! I don�t mind telling you though, that I also have a mermaid costume in the garage. Just, you know, F.Y.I.
Sincerely,
Zooby
P.S. Do you work out, or is that chest development JUST from drumming? Cuz, damn. If it is, then every guy should just drum.
P.P.S. What�s your take on Bonham�s one hour drum solo? I ain�t believin� that shit, man.
Jonathan Stewart Leibowitz: Harem Fake News Co-anchor
Dear Jon-Jon,
You don�t mind if I call you Jon-Jon, do you? Or I could call you Jewey and you could call me Canuckle Head and we�d be like, partners in comedic crime. I just thought I�d write my number one Jewish boyfriend (It was a close call, but really, what has David Krumholtz done for me lately?) and congratulate him on his not-so recent marriage. I am just so glad that I agreed to let my harem members out source. I mean, clearly, I can�t be everywhere at once! And heck, you don�t get mad that I have another Harem Fake News Anchor at my beck and call. Norm says �hi!� by the way.
You know, not only am I a Harem mistress, I�m also a bitter, cynical journalist who counts media watching and pundit bashing among her turn ons. I have a degree in journalism, and I noticed that you only have a couple of female correspondents on the Daily Show and they don�t get much exposure. I can only assume that this means you�re in need of more. So I really think you should look at me. Nepotism, Jon. It�s what�s for dinner. Besides, I have dark hair and glasses, so I�ve got that going for me. I could be your Canadian correspondent!
Sigh. Jon, you�re just so witty and sharp! I just read your book again. It really makes up for your horrible choices in scripts and the copious amount of body hair that you seem to possess. You know, I still buy a trapper keeper every year. Rest assured, your name is written on it in sparkly magic-marker, surrounded by a heart! My heart!
Yours always,
Zooby
P.S. Could you tell Mo Rocca that I think he�s dreamy? Tell him he�s got an open invitation to the harem. We�re always on the lookout for young talent here.
Matthew Damon: Celebrity Harem Young Turk
Dear Mr. Matt Damon,
It has come to our attention that you would like to join the Geek Chic Celebrity Harem. We are very pleased with your interest in this fine institution and we look forward to viewing the Celebrity Harem application video tape you sent. Yes, we had noticed that your muscle definition has improved, but thank you for bringing it to our attention. And yes, we heard that you won an Oscar for writing. That�s looked upon very favourably here at Harem headquarters.
However, before we can accept you into the fold, there are a number of matters to which we must attend. First of all, your association with one, Benjamin Affleck, also known as Mr. Jennifer Lopez. We feel that your relationship with Mr. Lopez might be holding you back in certain endeavours. It would be better for all involved if you were to �break it off� as soon as possible. Second, we require blood tests for every celebrity publicly linked to Miss Winona Ryder. It�s not that we don�t know where she�s been, it�s that we know exactly where she�s been.
Once these concerns have been dealt with, it would be our sincere pleasure to welcome you to the harem. Remember! black tie is optional, but wife beaters are not! You can either wear your own from The Bourne Identity, or we can have the Harem tailor measure you. Don�t worry, Julio does fantastic work!
Best Wishes,
The Geek Chic Celebrity Harem Advisory Board.
P.S. Your penmanship is superb! Don�t think we didn�t notice!
Robert Patrick: Sexy Character Actor Harem member #1
Dear Robert. Stop.
Saw Charlie�s Angels: Full Throttle. Stop. No, seriously, stop! Stop. Please cease and desist with the bad-boy sidekick roles in Demi Moore movies. Stop. You now owe me sixteen bucks. Stop. Otherwise, keep up the good work, stud. Stop. And don�t listen to what anybody says about your ears. Stop. They�re sexy. Stop.
Oh, Robert! Stop. Stop! Stop! Stop! Ahem. Stop.
Zooby. Stop.
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