"Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?"
That's exactly what Avril Lavigne has done. My world used to be right. I hated Brittney and that was that. Then Avril hit the scene all "Don't you be calling me Brittney!"
But it's not complicated at all because nobody was calling her that to begin with. I mean, her whole game just smacks of "Call me Brittney so I can say that I'm not like her at all! Pleeeeeaaaaase? Oh, and I'm punk. No I'm not. I'm just not pop. I'm sullen and angry and in three years, Vanilla Ice and I will be on the same one hit wonder special. Maybe I should call him on post-poseur album choices.
You know what? Watching the short period of time it's taken Avril to spew her wrong-headed idiocy about what "punk" is and what "pop" is and then recant and say "But I'm neither, got that?", I wonder how long it will be before she has a nervous breakdown, leaves the music biz, develops enough to find out that she's been lied to and created and packaged and then re-emerges as like, "The New Alanis." Writing songs about how she was dating all the members of her band at once or screwing some hack comedian when she was 15 years old. Of course, all the while claiming that she is sooo not like Alanis at all! Or maybe she'll get married at 18 and then get divorced and put out an indie rock record on her own dime. The possibilities at once amuse and frighten me.
She makes me sad. She's a crazy, mixed up kid, just like I was when I was 17 years old and longing to get out of small town Canada. Of course, that doesn't give her carte blanche on being a rotten, high-school drop-out, nose-picking, spitting, lame-ass, bitch-impersonating suckadog. The difference between me at that age and her is this: I did not have a number one song and album and hordes of young people looking up to me. Dumptrucks full of money were not driven up to my front door as my diary was being combed for potential song lyrics. Also, I graduated high school and went to University and got an education before I started spewing about "who I was" And she, um, showed her ass crack.
If I were a parent and my kid expressed interest in Avril Lavigne musically or you know, at all, and I had to choose between the two? I'd rather my kids listen to Brittney Spears. Brittney may be plastic and bubblegum, but I'd rather have them listening to that and gradually growing out of it than forcing some equally fake and that much more lame "anti-Brittney" marketed as such, in their direction.
There's nothing wrong with liking Brittney Spears. There is something wrong with the industry seeing that not all kids liked Brittney Spears and thus creating an "anti-Brittney" for them to listen to. Because there weren't any alternatives already available or anything. No sir. Not in the TRL set at least. No it's not cool to like Brittney. But it's also not cool to like anything other than what we tell you to like. Here. Here' s a girl you can like. Brit says dark, she says light. Brit says Yes, she spits in your face and says "fuck you."
And my god, she can't even be truly bitchy! When she gets her bitch on, it's like bitch juvenile. Junior miss thang. Tiny whiner, if you will. She says she hates the Osbournes? Honey, you want bitch lessons, you should tune in. Sharon and Kelly would eat you up and spit you out without even realizing they'd done it. They might complain of a bad taste in their mouths, but they certainly wouldn't trouble themselves to let your name pass their lips. They might tell you to lick their scrotum.
My new Avril Catchphrase? Why of course I'll share!
Avril: She's so faddy that her backlash got backlash.
I long to interview her. I would deviate from my usual interview style and ask point blank questions like "What makes a punk? What makes a song pop? Why are you against pop? Why are you so raunchy and spoiled? When did nose picking become cool and shocking instead of a thing that only really gross people did in public?"
I'm imagining it in my head right now and I'm getting all giddy. In case y'all are wondering, we argue about Canadian punk rock and I take her down with a right hook when she professes no knowledge of the movie Hardcore Logo.
There are some interviews floating around online with a man by the name of Chet. They sound distinctly wrong to me. Not in anything that was said, just in the way they were written. Maybe not wrong, but just, um, not very good? I don't know. Like buddy, if Avril Lavigne can crush your hand and almost bring you to tears and she spits on you and you don't respond immediately with a smack of your own or at the very least a bitchy review? You fuckin' deserve it!
Of course, she still shouldn't be spitting on people. But I think she's doing it to get attention so that people will finally think she's hardcore. She's so desperate to be thought of as punk and hardcore, that she resorts to pleghm. And if she were doing it as a natural reaction, then fine, but she's doing it to be like what she's heard punk is supposed to be. She wants to be like the Sex Pistols. Who were the fucking Avril Lavigne's of their day, you know? All fashion, no point. And even they managed to kick out a few important jams. God Save the Queen caused quite a stir. Everybody forgot that they were created because they were damning the man, truly and really fucking shit up. Burning the flag, puking on stage, shagging everything in sight and saying "Fuck you, fuckers!" to the press. Notice, they said and did these things without winking slyly at the camera and going "Look! Aren't we hardcore! Isn't this totally fucking awesome!"
True punk defines itself. You just hear it and go "Yup. Punk." The Ramones, the Stooges, the Clash, Dead Kennedy's, Siouxie Sue, Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, the Misfits, Propoghandi, Chixdiggit, NOFX, and on and on and on.
Avril will never be on that list. She will be a footnote on that list.
*Avril Lavigne. Pretended to be anti-pop and punk while possessing no actual knowledge of said genre. Harmless and stupid variety of girl who should be kicked very hard in the junk and then left alone.
I'm listening to: Tonic by Medeski, Martin and Wood.
I'm eating: Nothing, but my stomach is growling and it's cold, so very soon, Soup for all!
