She's gonna getcha good! Run!

So.

What did you do last Sunday?

Anything interesting? Anything at all?

Want to know what I did?

I read a book. And then, I did all my laundry. And then, I folded and put away all my laundry. Then I picked lint off a few sweaters. Then I gave my cat a bath (an hour long ordeal.) Then, I sat, staring at the ceiling for a good twenty minutes, interrupted only to say "I don't know? Gwen Steffani?" when my dad asked who the blonde chick singing was. Turned out, he meant Sting. Then I read another book. Then I ate a quiet, delicious meal. By myself. Then I had a bath. Then I went online and did some research. Then I wrestled the remote control away from my dad. Then I watched Alias.(!)

There was no football for me. I hate football. It's got to be the worst sport ever invented. Horrible. Awful. Stupid. I hate it for absolutely no reason, either. There are no football related tragedies in my past. I wasn't like, stuck on an island with only a pigskin named Rawlings for a friend. No. Nothing as simple as that. It's quite irrational, really, when you consider that I like sports. I do! I love baseball. It was my frickin' life for a few years! I was on the provincial team, I played hardball on the boys' team because there weren't enough girls for a league. I won my first writing competion with an essay about the Blue Jays. I played soccer and lacrosse (our national sport) and basketball and volleyball from grade 3 on up to high school. Being a Canadian, I've played in my share of pick-up hockey games on the frozen over river behind our house. I love sports. I've just never understood football and I don't rightly know why.

My theory is that it takes so damn long. One minute of real time is equal to about five minutes of football time. Everyone bashes baseball for taking such a long time to play, but dayum! I've had shorter years than superbowl days!

When I moved to Manitoba, people there were like, diehard Bluebomber fans. And I once made the mistake of going to Winnipeg when there was a game on. The traffic! It was like gridlock's big brother padlock was running the show!

Whenever anybody found out I was from Saskatchewan, they'd immediately start ribbing me. "Oooh! A gapper!* Is your car decorated green and white?" Yes. And I have a giant gainer the gopher doll that I offer up sacrifices to before bed. Sheesh. Of course, some were less subtle. "Dude. Your football team sucks." I find the best response to that is "So?" It's much more effective when you really, really, really don't give a fuck.

I came in second for a kick/pass/punt competition once. Kevin Williams crowed for a week that he would get to meet Doug Flutie and I wouldn't. I got detention for telling him to blow me. Stupid grade 4 teacher. I really didn't care if I got to go one way or the other.

So to recap: Football is like ducks off my back. It exists, and it is around me, and I acknowledge its existence in my sphere, yet it isn't even a blip on my radar screen.

In years past, I have tuned in to the superbowl. Just to see if it was something I really should have been watching. Dullsville, daddio. Population: several million. A great place to raise your kids up. How can that many people watch something that boring?

So I tapered down my game-watching experience to the half-time show. Last year, I could not believe that I watched Bono pull the American flag from his armpit, all proud-like. Hello! I'm not saying he has to run up a mountain with a flaming placard that reads "America Sucks" all the time, but does he not remember all his songs about corporate America being the greedy, money-hungry, devil incarnate? I mean, Bullet the Blue Sky is not a happy song about how great it is to be a Yank! And then, their tower of names of victims of the World Trade Center attacks comes crashing down around poor, hot, Larry Mullen Jr. Well. That was that. No more half-time shows for me, either. I get too worked up.

But my dad did call me into the living-room to announce that I should watch Shania and Celine.

I gave him a look like, "Dude. Do you know even one thing about me? Do I look like I'm a big Shania Twain fan?

And speaking of...what the fuck? Shania Twain? What the hell happened to her? She used to be a relatively harmless country singer. From Timmins. She had a not bad voice. Some catchy, poppy tunes. Then she married Bryan Adams' ugly, ugly producer and shot to super-stardom and went all "No, you can't see my baby! We're moving to the Alps!" Oooo-kay! Then, she disappeared. Happily, she disappeared at the same time as Celine Dion.

Speaking of crazy, Canadian harpies with babies and delusions of grandeur! Hi, Celine! Welcome back! It really has been way too long, hasn't it? Seems like only yesterday you were both threatening to disappear to raise your little kidlets up. Those were like, the shortest sabbaticals ever! And they're both back now, tormenting the world with their caterwauling and sparkly costumes.

My God! It's like they're trying to out-diva each other in some sort of psychotic who can dress stranger/lip-sync worse/shriek louder/have a better baby/be the most offensive Canadian export since BTO-contest.

Hey! I just thought of something? Are you Americans punishing us for the BTO song Takin' Care of Business? Are you? Dudes, please stop! I'm really sorry about Takin' Care of Business. I really am. On behalf of all Canadians everywhere, I apologize. Know that we have to hear that song on every radio request show ever. We're already in purgatory. Also, if you like Shania and Celine so much, you can have em'. Seriously. Just dust the shelf off next to Avril Lavigne and plop them up there and forget about them.

*A gapper is a person who lives in Saskatchewan, otherwise known as "the Gap between Manitoba and Alberta." Har-dee-frickin'-har.

I am feeling: Meh. Sad tale of "no-job-yet-living-at-home-with-my-parents" woe #347: No woe today. I've actually got some prospects. One internship possibility (So not getting my hopes up), one staff writer at alternative mag possibility (hopes slightly more up) and one completely selling out to be office manager/business proposal writer (hopes not sure about whether to be up or down and have settled into a disturbing wave-like pattern.) Sticking with the idea to head west because of warmer weather and better salaries as prospects are in Vancouver, Edmonton and Calgary, respectively.

I'm reading: The Lord of the Rings. I figured if I read the books again, it would negate not seeing the movies. Because I haven't yet. No, really. Any of them. I'm one of those annoying purists who believes you should never judge a book by its movie. Although I have seen pictures of Orlando Bloom and am tempted.

I am being annoyed by: My father. Why did I ever think I could live here again without fighting with him on a daily basis? Why?

I am watching: Alias. Ohmigod. Jessica was so right! Damn! That's a good show, right there!

0 have spoken