Yeah. Apparently the Middle-East is all up in the USA�s bidness and they don�t like it very much.
I was not aware of this. Because I am for all intents and purposes, a hermit. I don�t go out much, see. I have a tea-cozy. And a cat. Which will surely lead to knitting. And more cats.
I�ve been aware that things are not what they should be in the world. I saw it out of the corner of my eye, but never really got a good, long, sickening look. In an attempt to distance myself from the world of journalism, I�ve been doing what most people do: getting my news from the Daily Show and This Hour Has 22 Minutes. It�s funnier, and they point out the idiocy inherent in the news for you.
But now, I�m trying to find a job. As a journalist. So I figure, I should maybe be more informed. Just in case they ask me anything during a job interview. Like �So what�re your thoughts on the situation overseas?� Thank goodness I noticed the ticker tape scrolling along the bottom of the screen of every channel I turn to! Now I can say, with some authority �Which situation over which sea? I understand there are many.� That will make me look smart. Or at least, I�m hoping it will.
(This would also be an ideal time to point out that I don�t really think we need a scrolling terror alert on, oh, say, CBS. I mean, dayum! How you gonna play a sistah? How is she supposed to see the bids on the Price is Right when the scrolling terror alerts are blocking her view? She might have won that dinette set, but now, we�ll never know!)
I went to the 7-11 last night for a little carton of Ben and Jerry�s and possibly some licorice, when I noticed a stack of Globe and Mails. Canada has two national newspapers, and though I like to read the National Post for the entertainment section, which is less pretentious than the Globe�s, I usually get my news from the other. So I bought a paper. One whole section devoted to the war. Every page filled with terrible new possibilities. What might be going on. And that�s just in Iraq!
Now, as a casual observer, as somebody who is new to the idiocy of this war, can I just ask one little thing? Why Iraq? Like, North Korea is practically drooling all over itself, jumping up and down like a know-it-all kid in a third-grade class desperate to be called upon. �Oooh! Oooh! Us! Pick us! We have nukes! We�ll totally blow you away! Oooooooh!�
And yet, Miss America, the principled, but unawares teacher is looking to the back of the class at the kid who�s usually causing all the trouble going �What did I tell you Saddam? Didn�t I say no nukes? Well? Didn�t I? Let me search your desk!� And then Miss America searches the desk of the bully but comes up empty, but not wanting to look disgraced in front of the whole class, she gives him detention and threatens to call his parents.
And let�s not forget the new kid, who could be just as much trouble as Saddam. Yeah. He�s totally trying to jockey for position as the most dangerous kid in the class and the teacher knows it. �I�ve got my eye on you, Osama! Do you know anything about this?� And Osama is all �Hells yeah, bizzotch! My homey Saddam did that shit! I got the note right here, you wanna see?� And Saddam is like �No! Don�t listen to him! We�re not friends! I don�t even know the guy!� And he�s throwing looks at Osama like �You. Me. Monkeybars. Recess. I will end you!�
So. Impending apocalypse from all corners of the globe. What�s a Canuck gal to do? Well, I�ll tell ya, I felt so much better watching the Canadian news last night. I learned that we are indeed contributing to this war on terror. And not in the pansy-ass peace-keeping way we normally do. Nope. Us Canadians are rising to the call of duty. Asking America �What can we do you for, massah? Please, we exist to serve. Tell us what to do so we can pathetically pretend we matter in the grand scheme of things!� And lo, the call came.
�Well, if you guys have an aging ship and a decrepit helicopter, that would help out a lot.�
�Really?�
�No, not really.�
But we gave it our all anyway. The Canadian navy (or maybe they�re marines? I don�t know.) shipped off last week to the strains of O Canada on the Iroquois, a carrier ship with a Sea King helicopter. That was to be our contribution to this war. A token gesture at best. It�s like America is letting it�s feeble-minded little brother tag along to the ball park for a pick-up game and getting him to play right field. And as anyone who has ever played that position will vehemently tell you, �You have to have an arm to play right field!� But we don�t have an arm. Or rather, our arm is broken and held together with spirit gum and duct tape.
A few days later: �Uh, doesn�t look like the duct tape is holding that well on that chopper blade.�
The old helicopter crashes, completely useless. And the Canadian navy returns, scuffing their collective toe in the dirt because dammit! The Americans get to have all the war-related fun! But that�s not all! No! For a few days later, the navy decided �To hell with it! We�re gonna go in anyway! We�re taking our carrier ship and we�re gonna go for...extra storage space, I guess. Seriously, if America needs a place to put anything, they can drop it off at our pad. It�s not very posh, but you know, just a place to drop off your weapons before you bunk down for the night. Let us know. We�ll be here, spackling the cracks in the ship with Crest Whitening. Oh, we�re totally not going to get our damage deposit back!�
My dad and I were doing our own little This Hour Has 22 Minutes when we watched the loved ones saying goodbye to the soldiers.
Newscaster: The families of the soldiers waved from the dock as the Iroquouis headed out a second time.
My dad: "Bye! Could you guys stay a little longer than a week this time? We're tired of waving!"
Me: "Yeah, it's cold out here and I've got plans to have the bridge club over on Sunday!"
See, as a child of two hippies (one, reluctantly becoming an old codger might I add), I should be opposed to war. But I�m not. I totally think there should be a war. Fighty McFight Fight and all that. Yeah. But aren�t we pointing our guns in the wrong direction? Saddam is scary, but that dude with the seemingly endless armies of soldiers marching in perfect unison? I�m a big girl, but I�m wetting my pants every time they show that footage. Particularly because he�s said �I have nuclear weapons and I will use them.� Yeah. That guy scares me more than Saddam who�s all �What weapons? I don�t see any weapons, do you see any weapons? No weapons here.�
So there you have it. Another overly simplified look at the world situation from somebody who doesn�t know shit.
In news closer to the homefront: I got a haircut the other day. It�s an awesome haircut. Seriously, it rules. I have never had a haircut as good as this haircut. Other haircuts tremble in the awesome light and power that this haircut radiates. It�s shiny and straight and perfect and much, much lighter. I look like a damn hair model, yo! But one complaint; when the girl thinned my hair, she didn�t use a razor because my hair was so dry. No, she just went through and cut three or four pieces of hair out every inch or so. It looks great, but now, I have all these little stubblies near my scalp. She assured me that they�ll grow out normal and I won�t look like a freak, but I can�t stop playing with them.
I am reading: Entertainment Weekly and YM (Oh yeah, that YM! You�ll be getting a full report soon.) I didn�t mean to buy YM, but the Donnas were on the front cover. And I�m a sucker for the Donnas.
I am watching: Angel. I guess. If I�m going to make sense of the Buffyverse as it comes to an end for good (finally), then I guess I better do it all the way.
If you have a minute: I wrote a little thing that was deemed Hissyfit worthy. Check it out. More evidence at how I�m horribly bad at math.
Attention all Fametrackers: I've decided it's quote time again. If you are keeping a quote list (as I am), and you�d like to share it with me, drop me a line. I will post your favourite quotes here at Geek Chic. Because I�m cool like that.
