Dear assholes,
Alright, listen up, you fuckers! I�m on my last nerve and my tenth mug of coffee spiked with Kalhua. I�ve got limited options and unlimited bile. It�s unfortunate that you have to be on the receiving end of my big fuck-you-a- thon, but that�s how it goes sometimes, so pucker up and take it, big boy.
Here�s the skinny: You, are going to fire whatever googly-eyed moron you�ve hired most recently. You�re going to say �I�m really sorry kid, but you�re ass is grass and this gal is the lawn-mower.� I know you didn�t take out an ad asking for a girl who believes she is the shizznit, but that�s what you�re getting goddammit. Do you want to know why? I�ll tell you.
Because I am tired, sooo tired of applying for jobs that I don�t even really want. You�re the last one that I really want. Take that fucking compliment and run with it, okay? And when you get to the finish line, when you�ve broken the ribbon and had your picture taken drinking from the trophy cup with a ring of roses around your neck while a big brass band marches around announcing your victory in the "Hire the Geek Marathon," you should give me a call. I�m sitting here. By the phone. Without the Internet on because I�m too poor for fucking broadband. Hire me and I can get rid of the dial-up. Hire me and I will vanquish poverty. The poverty of me that is.
I�ve got the qualifications and the experience and you better believe I�ve got the talent boyo. So scootch over, I�m movin� in. I want to be hired and I want to be hired last fucking week already. Yeah, I�ve heard that you�re not hiring right now. Yeah, that journalism job market is a tough nut to crack, eh? Yeah. Shut the fuck up. Fire somebody. Fire them and hire me. Hire me now. I�m not taking anymore of this shit! Here I am, you damn, un-hiring fuckers!
I have enclosed my resume, in case you�d like to peruse the inventory. I�ve laid it out in a fairly easy to read manner. My number is right up at the top. Call me. That�s an order. I�m assertive. That�s resume talk for bossy. And bossy is really just boss with a �y� after it, isn�t it? And you should always do what your boss-with-a-y tells you to do. Or else you�re libel to be fired. Actually, no. Ignore me. Don�t call. Don�t do what your boss-with-a-y tells you to do. That way, you�ll be fired and I�ll take your job. You don�t like that? Then fire somebody else and hire me.
Why should you hire me? I�ll tell you why, you jerk. It�s right there on my resume. Above the references and below education. It�s right there in easy-to-read Times New Roman font. You want to know what it says? Okay. It says:
I am awesome.
There it is. I�m through pussy-footing around it. Why should I? If I weren�t awesome, I�d be applying at the Co-op deli and "accidentally" forgetting to change the scale price from bologna to chicken so that some lucky customer would be getting cheap-ass smoked chicken deli meat. But I�m not. I�m still applying for the jobs that I want, not the jobs that will let me take home day-old bread. Why apply for a job where I�ll only do a half-assed job? Why don�t I apply for a job where I can go around being fully assed?
I bet you think you�re so great. So secure there with your little machine that weeds out the cover letters that don�t use proper grammar or spelling or punctuation. I bet you got hundreds of cover letters like that. And I bet you got thousands of good ones because of that ad you took out in the penny-saver. I bet none of them swore quite this much. That�s because those people aren�t as awesome as I am. Those people are tight-asses. They�re just saying whatever they think you want to hear.
I�m not telling you what you want to hear, I�m telling you what you�re going to say. You�re going to say �That gal, she�s got moxie! She�s a dynamo! So she won�t get me coffee? So what? I�ve got to have her working for me! You, ugly kid! You�re fired! Clear out your desk and shine it up nice for the new girl we�re going to hire! Better hurry! If you don�t, she�ll be in here, kicking your ass!�
That�s also on my resume. Right underneath: �I am awesome� are the words: �I kick ass.� I mean that literally, by the way. You want an ass kicked? I�m your girl. Just don�t ask me to take names. I ain�t no rat fink, I�m just the heavy.
Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you soon. When you will phone me and tell me that you have the lettering on the door to my office done and it says "Tanis: VP in charge of awesome ass kickings." I sure hope you took notes. Cause I don�t do dictation.
Sincerely,
One fed-up bitch.
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I should have sent that one out instead of the passive one that went something like: "Hire me. Or don't. Whatever." My problem is not with cover letters or resumes. I get paid to write creatively. I should be good at it. The problem for me is the follow-up call. I called once and the guy (and I had worked for him before during an internship) was a total dink. I called in the morning. I said "Hello, Roger! It's Tanis! I'm calling to make sure you got my resume." "Yes." "Oh! Okay! Did you get a chance to look it over?" "Yeah." "Wonderful!" (At this point, I was at a loss for words. Why was he being so short and rude?) "I don't suppose you've made a decision yet?"
"No. Not yet. When we do, we'll call the candidates we think we'd like to have back for interviews." (Translation: You won't be on it.) "Well great! I really look forward to hearing from you, then." (Translation: Fuck you, fuckball.)
So phone conversations with potential employers don't go well for me. I've read all the tips and tricks for interviews. They all give you this beyond moronic advice like: Don't chew gum. Go alone.
!!!
Really? I don't bring a passel of friends while chewing Bubble-Yum like a cow? Say, it doesn't happen to mention what to do if your ex-boss starts getting that condescending tone in his voice when he tells you that they'll be calling people back at the end of the week, does it? Oh. Um, no. I'm afraid you're on your own.
Right. I'm going to go eat a banana and go to bed.
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