They must know that the horror of waiting is immensely hard to deal with. They must! So why do they torture me this way? Why? Whyyyyyyyy?
The interview went well. At least, I thought so. We chatted for quite a bit about what kinds of stories I wanted to write, where I saw myself in the future, what I liked to read, why I wanted to work in journalism, etc. He worked for the Centreville Review about 13 years ago. He worked at the paper where my mother now works. We reminisced about the huge flood we had that year that was quite literally blowing manhole covers up into the street. I made a raft out of lumber from the lumber yard right across from our house. Our car floated down the street. Good times.
Anyway. You know how you have a meeting that went well, at least, you think it did, then you wonder how well it really went and you have to wait and wait and wait and the doubt builds up and you start to wonder "My God, maybe my eyebrows were all mussed up! Maybe I said 'irregardless.' I don�t think I did, but what if I did? You can�t take something like that back! I should know! I think people who say it are complete morons, so what if I said it by accident because I was so nervous? What if I said it and he took out his mental red pen and stroked me off the list? What if I have to live at home for the rest of my life? What then? I�ll go insane. That�s what.
It�s like, ever since he found out that I have a job interview, my father has been needling me over every little thing, trying to exert control because if I get the job, he knows he won�t have it again. (Like he does now) Like, telling me "How about you ask the next time you want to go out to the movies?" Uh, how about I can do whatever I want when I want? How bout you shut your scone hole, wanker? How about that? Jesus Jumping Christ on a pogo stick! You'd think I was 12 years old! He also yelled at me for being on the phone too long. Ass-wanker.
Like, I�ve learned some valuable lessons (retch) from this experience, I don�t need you to repeat them for me as if I were deaf and dumb and blind and slow in the head. I GET it, okay? I understand that I need money to survive. I�m clear on the whole "saving frugally good, spending exorbitantly bad" concept. It's just that once you get out of University, where you've subsisted on Macaroni and Cheese and fucking Ramen for four to seven years, you get out and find out that somebody's going to pay you! So you take your cashola and you head to the salon to dye your hair. Or you buy a new pair of pants once a month or you maybe spend more on CDs in two weeks than you did in your entire University career (of course, I reviewed CDs in University, so I got them for free, bunk). You spend money on yourself. And maybe you shouldn't, but you do anyway.
If I had it to do all over again, there are things I'd leave on the shelf. But I don't have it to do over again. I'll never just be out of university and making money again.
We had a big fight the other day about what�s going to happen if I do get the job. He was telling me that I don�t think about things like bills and groceries. No. I just sit here in my little jobless fog thinking "Isn�t my unemployed life grand! Wouldn�t it be great if we were all unemployed all the time? And could live with our employed and bitter parents who could constantly belittle us and let us know in great detail exactly how badly we�ve screwed up over and over again? Wouldn�t that be great?" Like, NO, asswipe! Of course I think about bills and money and the cost of living in an apartment and damage deposits and car problems and whatnot! I think about all manner of things in my spare time, which, in case you hadn�t noticed, I have quite a lot of. All I do is think about how I�m going to afford to move out of this god-forsaken hell hole! I wanted to scream "You�re right! As usual! I think about nothing at all but myself and how things will affect me! I just sit around going 'la-di-da! It will all work out and I can be a ballerina and live in a princess house with a pony and eat birthday cake every day of the week!' I am wrong, and you, as usual, are so very, very, very right!" I really wanted to say that. But I didn�t
There�s actually been a lot of tongue biting around here lately on my part. I can�t wait to leave so I can spit out the resulting mouthful of blood.
By the way, on the off chance that I don�t get this job, I was wondering, what�s the required phone etiquette for hearing that you didn�t get the job? Do you just go all Zen master like Hyde taught Jackie that time? "That�s coo�. Whatever." Okay, kidding. Of course, I�d be very professional and say that it was too bad, that I appreciated the chance for the interview, and would love it if he could give me any pointers for future job interviews. Wanker. Ha-ha! No. Of course I wouldn�t call him a wanker. Please. Give me a little credit. I�d say bullocks to him and call him a bloody sad-ass wanker. Can you tell that I�m trying to incorporate more British swearing into my curse-word vocabulary?
I think it comes from watching Bridget Jones� Diary as I wait for this phone call which will determine the course of my life. I mean, I�m watching Bridget Jones� Diary and thinking "My God is Colin Firth ever the hotness! I never usually crush so badly on movie stars, but hot damn! Have you seen this man? He�s fucking hot! Oh, hello, Hugh Grant. You�re not so bad yourself, you sexy beast, you!
In a vain attempt to distract myself from The Phone Call, I�m going to wax philosophical on the subject of hotties who are so damn hot. Here�s who�s hot: Matt, the guy who should have won Survivor. My friend Sheri and I had a 20 minute conversation directly after the finale that went something like this: "Damn."
"Yeah."
"Wow."
"Yeah."
"I mean....daaaaamn!"
"Ohhhh yeah."
"He�s just... fine, isn�t he?"
"Yes. So hot. I couldn�t believe it, how hot he was!"
"Yeah. The more I sat and watched that, the more I wanted Jeff Probst to go �could we all have a moment of silence just to sit and bask in the hotness of Matt?�"
"And did you notice how Jenna was hanging off him?"
"I did indeed."
"Can you blame her?"
"Yes! Yes I can totally blame her! She completely disregarded him the entire time they were there!"
"Do you think they�re dating?"
"No. Way."
"Well they could be..."
"Dude, if they are, I�ll, I�ll eat something inedible. A fine specimen of man like that who takes the time to do crazy things like learn Swedish on the weekend deserves better than a self-
absorbed sorority girl. Girlfriend needs a personality transplant."
"Stat."
"Besides, he�s like, way older than her."
"And you know what? He�s too pretty for her as well. When she was hanging all over him, I was like 'Bitch! I KNOW you aren�t touching my Survivor!'"
"Yeah. Totally."
From the same conversation:
"You watch the Buffy finale?"
"Yeah. You?"
"Oh yeah."
"Dude! Angel came back!"
"Sorry, I'm all about Giles."
"Yeah. Giles brings the sexy."
"You used to make fun of me for saying Giles was sexy!"
"I did not!"
"Oh, you so did! You said I had a crush on an old man! That he was like a dad! And I was all 'No way. He's the hotness!'"
"Well, okay. Maybe I did. But now I think he's sexy."
"Yeah, I'll concede that Boreanez looked okay in the previews for the week before Angel came back. I had to do a little double take. But in the episode itself?"
"He was hot! He and Buffy have great chemistry together!"
"Okay, they do, but he was huge! He looked like he was going to eat her, not kiss her!"
"Snrk!"
"Ha!"
"Okay. He was a little puffy."
"He was puff x 3. He was the puffinator."
"Alright! I've said that Giles is hot and Angel is puffy! What more do you want from me?"
"Tell me you laughed when Spike bit it and cried for Anya?"
"Oh, I laughed in both cases."
"Bitca. Anya is great. Go Anya. Choose Anya."
Other hotties: The entire cast of CSI. I mean it. Every single one of them has something going for them. Even Brass has his fans. I like a man with a sense of humour. I happened to catch the Power Rangers on tee vee this morning (shut up! I�m unemployed and can watch what I want, when I want! You aren�t my father! And even if you were, I wouldn�t listen to you!) and saw Archie Kao hangin� out. I was like "Dude! They give you time off from the lab to fight crime! That is so cool!" Oh yes, and I would very much like to see the short film The Moment After directed by Gerald McCullouch, who plays cute, accented Bobby Dawson. Cause hello! Full frontal, people! Yes, I am that shallow. Oh, and Gary Dourdan called me yesterday to thank me for the shout out in my diary. Yeah. He said to say "What up?" to y�all. He also told me I was beautiful and we were gonna have fantastic looking children. Who am I to disagree with that? Then he told me to stop saying that George Eads� ass was fiiiiiine. I told him that I couldn�t help but speak the truth and then he broke it off. Jellus. But still so dayum hot. So the wedding may be off, but that�s okay, because this show has provided me with a full compliment of back-up boyfriends!
The dude from the paper called while I was out for a walk. And he said he'd call back at 1:00. Hopefully, I'll be reporting back soon with good news. Knock on particle board.
And could everybody that I know please quit calling me to find out if I�ve got the job or not? I love you all, but I swear to God, I�ll murder you in your sleep if you make me miss this call.
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