I've been invited to about five in July alone. I only went to one. I genuinely missed watching my friend Kay get married. That would have been nice. One, I know I was only invited to as a guest of a friend of the family so I didn't know the people very well, and I don't feel bad about missing it. One, I didn't really care because I think the groom is a big, fat idiot and who wants to see a highschool friend marry that? Even if she does love the big lug.
The other family one, I was ordered to attend as I have an aunt who was all "This is the first cousin out of the fifteen of you to actually snare a significant other, even though he's younger than half of you, you lazy, unattractive losers who are NEVER going to further the family name, so you better come see my baby boy tie the knot and there'd better be some good presents in those envelopes. I hope you folded up that serving of china into a flat piece of paper because, hello! we didn't register at the Bay for NOTHING here!" So I had to go.
It was actually okay because, as my cousins and I are now almost all of legal drinking/screwing ages, we have more to talk about than when I was the absolute middle child who was invited to family sleepovers/pool parties/birthdays etc. only as an afterthought. And now, if there isn't anything to talk about, that's okay because, hey! Look! A cash bar! And me with cash! Let's get two vodka lime and cokes. Each. Don't judge us. You don't know us.
The thing I hate most about weddings is that you're standing around, looking at these two people so clearly in love and everyone is forcing money into their hands for "their future" and telling them how pretty/handsome/mature they look. Meanwhile, you and your single cousins are sitting around, sucking back $1.50 hi-balls and giving each other looks like "Didn't you wear that dress to the last wedding? Chandelier earrings are SO last month. No, no I'm NOT seeing anybody as a matter of fact."
I know I seem angry. Upset. Jealous, even. And that's because I am. I'm never going to get married in a church with my whole family watching and telling me I look pretty. That's not in the cards for me. I don't want it. And before you start telling me that I'll change my mind when I get to be a "certain age" let me just say one thing: Fuuuuuuucckkk yoooouuuu!
No, I won't change my mind. "But what if you meet somebody special?" Then he'll understand that I don't want to get married with a big, huge ceremony with everybody I've ever known ever crowding and poking each other. He'll see that him looking at me over his coffee one day while reading the paper and saying "Hey, I was thinking we'd go down to City Hall today and do the deed. Whaddaya think?" is all I really need for a proposal. That if he wants to wear cutoffs and sandals to the ceremony, that if I happen to be wearing jeans a tube-top from Wal-Mart and five dollar Old Navy flip-flops, that'll be just fine. I don't mind. (I've thought this out, as you can see.)
What I do mind is the lack of opportunity to shove all this non-planning, non-dieting to fit into a dress I'll wear once, non-catered event down the throats of everyone I know and love. That would be fun. "look at all the money you spent and I'm just as happy as you are! Ha!"
Plus, people would feel compelled to give me things. I have another cousin who is engaged to be married in the fall. I'm looking forward to the wedding. They're registered at Wal-Mart and when you scan the little barcode, there are about fifteen different kinds of candy he's registered for. Right on! A bucket of gummy worms I can do. Plus, they're getting married on Hallowe'en and they've asked that everybody wear costumes to the reception. Hallowe'en is my favourite holiday! I think we should get Hallowe'en off to party!
At any rate, nobody will be getting me shit because I don't want to get married to have it all. I think there should be a ceremony for single girls who love being single. When you get married, you double your income automatically. Unless bride or groom is lazy and you plan on living in a trailer. But most couples nowadays will both work. So why do uncles/aunts/parents/cousins/people they've never even met before, feel they're honour bound to deliver an envelope stuffed with cash or a goose down duvet or a Bay Blanket or a set of crystal wine goblets? It would be cheaper to give me those things. I only need a double goose down duvet. And a single Bay blanket, the kind with only a few stripes, will do just nicely thank you. You could get me wine. I have goblets. They're not crystal, but I don't go in for fancy stuff like that. Hell, I'll swig from the bottle. You know, money lender cards "for the future." What about MY future? They have support in that they're going to be with this person for the rest of their lives. If I don't plan on getting married, I'll have to do it myself. Plan for my own future. I should just pick a day and call it "My marriage to myself." Everybody already thinks I'm a selfish bitch for not wanting children and now - horrors! - a husband. Why not just make it official?
I could send out invitations.
"A party for the single girl! Just so you know, Tanis never plans on getting married and would greatly enjoy the pleasure of your company at a local watering hole where she expects people to get her a stripper and pitchers of margaritas and tell her how pretty she looks and isn't it lovely that she's chosen not to tie the knot and inevitably have several little sprogs that look and behave just like her later on? Cash bar. Gift opening to follow the next day, or perhaps the day after that, depending upon how bad the hangover is."
Sigh.
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