What I do in those crazy, wee, binge-drinking hours is far, far less exciting. Let me reassure you. Between the hours of 11 p.m. and 4 a.m. I can be found:
- Coming home from work, either walking from the scary down-town end-of-the-line station (of which I am totally not scared. Unless there are tall, creepy guys wearing hoodies, then I'm totally scared.)
- Eating pudding.
- Making pizza from scratch.
- Eating cold pizza.
- Watching the Daily Show
- Followed by (against my better judgement) E-talk Daily.
- Watching some form of CSI (It's the new Law & Order -- there's always one on somewhere.)
- Surfing my favourite websites.
- Trying to update this (or my other super sekret) journal and giving up half way through because there really is not that much to say on the topic of Jelly Belly Jellybeans and how I want some, right now.
- painting my toe-nails.
- doing crunches.
- chasing my cat around because he's picked that hour of the night to either throw up and then roll in said sick, or pick up his poop because you know what's fun if you're a cat? Playing with your own poop outside of your litter box! Good times.
- Washing dishes for the first time in weeks.
- Doing laundry (which probably REALLY annoys my neighbors, but then, my typing probably annoys the neighbours because the walls in these apartments? Thin!
- fuming.
- Talking to my fellow night owl, Cher, who once remarked "You know why I like you? Because I can call you at two a.m. and you'll be up and willing to talk to me about what I had for dinner and how I have so much work to do but am far too lazy to actually do it."
- Attempting to get stuff in order for tomorrow.
- A 15 minute quick tidy during which recycling is piled, dishes are put away, rugs are straigtened, the blue bed sheet covering my disgusting couch is straightened, and dirty clothing is removed from every conceivable surface (Showerhead, book case, freezer, chair back, bed, floor, coffee table, shoe stand), coats are hung up and floors are swept.
- Knit a few rows of the White Stripes scarf I'm making from Stitch 'N' Bitch Nation. Because I am so lame that all I can make is a scarf. And it sucks.
- I watch DVDs of Arrested Development, my current DVD obsession.
- I pluck my eyebrows.
- I stare in the mirror for 20 minutes and convince myself they'll grow back and it's not a big deal that I look like my fifth grade substitute teacher Mrs. Miller who, as far as I know, never had any eyebrows and drew them in with a felt-tip pen.
- I try to program my VCR to record CSI tomorrow because hello? Tarantino! Buried!Nicky! (And no mocking me in my guestbook or notes! I will not have my CSI obsession mocked!)
- I finally collapse in exhaustion, only to wake up at 9 a.m., no matter how early I set my alarm.
I wish I were a morning person. I also wish the newspaper would magically appear (free) at my door with a piping hot mug of Tim Horton's coffee (I should look into an IV drip) beside it. That would go a long way to making me a morning person.
I've been trying to wake up earlier because the only time I have available to go tanning is in the morning (because tanning salons are not open at 12 p.m. or later. Can you fucking believe that?) and I want to have a little bit of a tan when I go to B.C. Land of wetsuits. Thank God.
So yeah. Trying to get up early is tough beans for me. Here's what I think from the time my alarm clock goes off.
"Wow. That is one noisy dream! That's really annoying! Somebody should shut that off. Oh. Look! They did! Yay! Sleep! That's where I'm a viking!"
....
"Fuck. There's that noisy dream again. Make it stop. Phew. Done."
....
"Okay. I think that's my alarm."
....
"It totally is your alarm. Stop hitting snooze, you lazy, lazy ass!"
....
"Ahhh. Snooze. That's the ticket."
....
"Well, if I'm going to sleep in, I'm going to sleep, like, an HOUR in."
....
"Shit. Why can I not sleep now? Oh yeah. Stupid alarm."
....
"Time to get up."
....
"Yessir. Up and at em. Time to face the day. Make hay while the sun shines. Get busy livin or get bu-- zzzzzzzz........"
....
"If I got up now, I could go for a run."
....
"Good thing I avoided that!"
....
"Dear, sweet, Mother of God! Please! Just five more minutes! I will do anything!"
....
"Anything except get up. Ever."
....
"Okay. There's no avoiding it. I'm up now."
~fin~
Okay. I'd like to think it's not THAT bad. But the truth is, I set my alarm for 7:30 a.m. and I don't fully rise until, oh, say, 9:00 or therabouts. And I have NO memory of hitting the snooze button five or six times. That's bad. But, BUT! I set my bedroom clock almost half an hour earlier than the actual time. Because I am dumb and have convinced myself that this will fool me, even though I'm the genius who did it, and when I'm lazing around and hitting snooze, I'm thinking "It's okay. I've got, like half an hour!"
Okay. I should go to bed. I have to get up early tomorrow to go to the Brick to pay my bill.
Yup. Going to bed. Right now.
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